Large vs. Fat

I have officially gotten too big to fit into all my pre-pregnancy "fat pants", which was a difficult realization to have first thing in the morning. I wore a pair of jeans that were huge on me a month ago, but that the crazy lady at the jeans store convinced me to buy anyway. So this is officially the largest I have ever been. The strange thing is I've only gained three pounds. I have no idea how this is possible, but there it is.

Husband was supportive but busy at work when I called him in tears, and, to my surprise, the best empathy I found in my day was from a 16 year old client who in recovery from anorexia. He confided in me that he had gained 19 pounds in the last three months, and that the last five pounds were the hardest. Aside from my friends who have already been pregnant, he is probably the best person in my world to understand how it feels to be getting positive feedback about gaining weight and having that be at odds with self-image.

What helped tremendously is that I had a super climbing day today. I got stuck on a really perplexing part of a 5.10B climb and managed to figure it out, with a little help from the cute guy at the front desk. I asked about ordering a body harness for climbing when I get a little bigger, and the woman working the counter was really excited that I planned to climb through my pregnancy. Also my belay partner commented that my endurance seemed better today than in past weeks. I left the gym feeling like superwoman and caring a lot less about the new big jeans.

Bits and Tips

Tidbits of useful info I've picked up in the last week or so:

1) Always go to the doctor's with a full bladder - seems like everyone wants a urine sample. Also necessary for some ultrasounds.

2) Many sushi restaurants will make chicken rolls for you if you request them. My local Safeway makes chicken rolls as a standard variety, and the little sushi lady was delighted to come out from behind the counter and point out everything that didn't have raw fish when I told her I was pregnant.

3) In contrast, waiters in steakhouses typically are not happy to take orders for alcohol-free cocktails.

4) The most common follow-up question, when you tell people you're pregnant, is "are you going to find out whether it's a boy or a girl?"

Steak makes it all better

My stomach hasn't hurt for a whole week and my appetite is slowly returning, so we decided to celebrate with dinner at our favorite steak house. I tormented the bartenders by ordering all my favorite cocktails without alcohol, and I felt just like normal. It was great.

Prenatal appointment at the new midwifery place went well today - this midwife practice is a very women-centered touchy-feely kind of place (more hugging), which will take some getting used to. My husband is concerned that it isn't a good fit for me, although he said he prefers it to the overly clinical traditional practice. I have plenty of time to figure it out.

I went climbing yesterday and had a great time. I was telling my belay partner that climbing was one of the few times when I didn't feel like my body was betraying me - the extra flesh around the middle makes no difference at all, and except for a little shortness of breath, my climbing isn't at all limited. Very important to keep making the time for it, as I'm struggling enough with the changes in my life as it is.

Missing the Old Me

I had a bit of a meltdown last night when I was studying for a chemistry test. I'm taking this Chem 101 for fun, mostly, and I've been enjoying it quite a bit more than last semester's basic chemistry class. And I'm good at it, which makes it even more fun.

I've had a really hard time recovering from the lectures and labs I missed when I had the flu, and with a test this morning, it was my deadline to catch up and learn as much as I possibly could from the hodgepodge of notes that were given to me, worksheets, and practice problems from the professor's website. And my brain... just couldn't do it. I did a bunch of reading and couldn't remember any of it. After eight hours of studying yesterday, I started a practice exam and I could only do half the problems, and half of those I got wrong. And I fell apart.

My husband, who is away, did his best to comfort me as I sobbed to him on the phone about whether I should drop the class. I hate giving up on things - usually I feel such regret about it. In general, I've been the kind of person who is pretty good at being disciplined and pushing myself to do things even when they're hard. So I hate the idea that I'd be dropping this course just because I'm pregnant. What I said on the phone was: "the normal, non-pregnant me would be able to do it. I can't bounce back, and I can't push through it." And I dissolved into tears.

It's bad enough that I'm struggling with feeling fat and wishing I had more control over my body. But to be limited in my energy level, in my ability to concentrate on things I really enjoy, felt like too much last night. I was literally losing my mind.

I gave up a full-time job and sold a successful business in June in order to have a more compatible schedule with my husband. Besides having more time together (which makes it easier to get pregnant), I wanted to reduce my stress and stop depriving myself of sleep. And I did it. But last night, when I was a basket case and knew I'd have to get up early this morning to study, I felt like I had lost everything - I wasn't able to function at the level I could pre-pregnancy, nor was I able to be the happy wholesome healthy mom-to-be that was my goal.

I'm feeling better today - two hours of studying this morning cinched everything into place, and despite the fact that I am coming down with a cold and I'm pretty tired, I'm hanging in there. Also I think I did well on my test, and I got a nice pep talk from my lab instructor (who has a little one at home himself, and has been very supportive about my pregnancy) when I told him I was thinking about dropping the class.

Spring break is in a few weeks - I'll hang on until then.

Starting to feel lumpy

This morning for the first time, can feel something other than my abs in there... feels like I've got a mango-sized bump surfacing. It's on the left side, not in the center - will have to ask someone if this is normal. I'm still coughing from the leftovers of my flu; it hurts (my abs) to cough unless I'm curled into a little ball.

We are embroiled in the etiquette of whom to tell in what order: will A&A be hurt if they find out that B&A were told first, even though we've known A&A for much longer? Etc. So far our parents haven't seemed to notice or mind that we told all our siblings first.

More Reactions

So, my husband's told a lot of people our secret today. I've been thinking about the reactions we encountered yesterday, telling my parents, my mother-in-law (MIL), and a few of her friends. One thing I really appreciated was a comment from MIL's friend - the first thing she asked was how I've been feeling. She was the only one who asked that, and it was really nice. Would like to make an effort to make that my first comment when people share their pregnancy news with me.

Secret's Out! Part 2

After we called my parents to tell them we were pregnant, we picked up my mother-in-law and told her in the car on the way to an art opening. What I appreciated about telling my mother is that it was over the phone, and they were 3000 miles and three time zones away. What was hard about telling my mother-in-law was the next three hours of being hugged, kissed, and patted. I'm not a huggy, touchy-feely type person by nature, and nothing about being pregnant makes me more receptive to having my shirt pulled up and my tummy rubbed in a restaurant. Have to figure out how to draw boundaries in this arena without being rude. Also we stayed out about two hours later than my bedtime, and ate dinner about an hour after I needed to eat, so I was pretty wiped by the end and had no more energy for the giggling of my mother-in-law.

An interesting dynamic will be at play when the baby is born - my mother, who lives far away, has always been jealous of the time I spend with my mother-in-law, who lives about ten blocks away from us. We have already told my parents that we will want a few weeks to get settled into a routine at home before we have out-of-town visitors, which means that my mother-in-law will get baby face time long before my mother does. As will my sister, who lives a mile from me. Mom will get me and baby for a whole week before Christmas, though, so maybe that will even things out. Oy.

Secret's Out!

Just told my parents about impending baby - they've been on to us for weeks anyway. Was really fun - Mom was really enthusiastic as expected. Turns out she's been collecting baby stuff, kids books, etc for two years and was going to bring it all when she came to visit in two weeks, even if we hadn't told her. We tell my mother-in-law tonight.

Baby Pictures

My husband and I just got back from a two-hour appointment for genetic screening. It involved an ultrasound, which is always fun, but they make you drink lots of water, then spend 30-45 minutes pushing the wand thing into your bladder. Not so comfortable.

Apparently I am carrying, not a baby as I once thought, but a frog or perhaps a Mexican jumping bean. Miss Mary the Ultrasound Tech said that the nervous system isn't fully developed yet, which causes the fetus to jump all over the place (hence the 30-45 minutes of getting just the right shot for the screening test). Imagine getting hiccups in outer space. It was rather amusing.

My husband is really ready to start telling the whole world we're pregnant, but I convinced him to give me one more week of relative privacy. After a week of being sick, I'm really behind in non-pregnancy-related Real Life. The last thing I want is to be fielding phone calls from relatives of his that I barely know.

Recipe: Cucumber Avocado Soup

I am done being sick. It took a whole week. I am finally getting to the cooking I planned to do *last* Monday, and I discovered this recipe from a friend, and a damn good way to get your vegetables:

1 large ripe avocado, pitted, peeled, and cut into pieces
1 large English (hothouse) cucumber, cut into pieces (no! leave the skin on!)
1.5 cups chicken broth (or veggie broth, I s'pose)
5 tablespoons fresh tomato or tomatillo salsa (3 T for soup, 2 T for garnish)
3 tablespoons lemon juice
0.5 cup sour cream (I used fat-free)
0.25 cup green onions, finely sliced
salt and black pepper to taste

- mash up avocado and cucumber with a handheld blender (or in a processor) until smooth
- add all other ingredients, except for the 2 tablespoons of salsa set aside for garnish
- process with handheld blender or food processor until smooth
- season to taste with salt and pepper
- chill for at least 2 hours before serving
- garnish with salsa

Easy peasy! Only uses one large mixing bowl, no cooking. Serves 4-6, 156 calories per serving, 3 g protein. Comes out a nice minty green color.

Down with the flu

My husband has given me a lovely flu, and I called the emergency midwife number and learned the following:

• I can start taking Tylenol (acetominophin) when my temperature gets to 100.5.
• Can take 1000 mg of Tylenol every 4 hours.
• I have to call them back if my temperature gets to 102 so they can consult with the doctor.
• Lots of fluids, especially Emergen-C.

So far I've been able to keep my temp between 99 and 101, but man, have I felt terrible! I'm afraid I will eventually cough up part of my intestines and I've been almost too achy to move. My husband has been sicker than I, but he gets to take meds for coughing, congestion, and Nyquil. But he has been lovely about taking care of me, bringing me fizzy drinks and so on, because he feels so guilty about getting me (and Guppy) sick.

Dinner Party Comments

Saturday night we had dinner at my brother-in-law's house. My brothers-in-law knew I'm pregnant and no one else there did. We are not planning to tell my mother-in-law until after my next prenatal appointment on 3/22.

So as we are sitting down to dinner, one guest says, loudly, "I notice you're not drinking any wine - any particular reason?" To which I replied, as coolly as I could, "I've been working outdoors all day and I'm pretty dehydrated." To which he replied, "Well, I know you guys are trying to get pregnant, so I wondered if that was why you weren't drinking."

Fortunately I had rehearsed an answer to this type of comment, and said something like "Oh, you know, when there's news, there's news, and in the meantime there's a lot of waiting."

Later in the evening, my brother-in-law privately asked me whether I wanted dessert without sabayon sauce, which was laced with alcohol, and I lurked in the kitchen eating my plain fruit so no one would notice. Eventually, though, another guest wandered over and looked into my dish commenting, "So, you don't eat dairy or meat, huh?" Since I had chowed down on a huge serving of beef stew sitting across from this man, I was amused and relieved that he was so far from the mark, but I answered in the affirmative and my secret was safe for a little longer.

It'll be much easier when everyone knows.