Missing the Old Me

I had a bit of a meltdown last night when I was studying for a chemistry test. I'm taking this Chem 101 for fun, mostly, and I've been enjoying it quite a bit more than last semester's basic chemistry class. And I'm good at it, which makes it even more fun.

I've had a really hard time recovering from the lectures and labs I missed when I had the flu, and with a test this morning, it was my deadline to catch up and learn as much as I possibly could from the hodgepodge of notes that were given to me, worksheets, and practice problems from the professor's website. And my brain... just couldn't do it. I did a bunch of reading and couldn't remember any of it. After eight hours of studying yesterday, I started a practice exam and I could only do half the problems, and half of those I got wrong. And I fell apart.

My husband, who is away, did his best to comfort me as I sobbed to him on the phone about whether I should drop the class. I hate giving up on things - usually I feel such regret about it. In general, I've been the kind of person who is pretty good at being disciplined and pushing myself to do things even when they're hard. So I hate the idea that I'd be dropping this course just because I'm pregnant. What I said on the phone was: "the normal, non-pregnant me would be able to do it. I can't bounce back, and I can't push through it." And I dissolved into tears.

It's bad enough that I'm struggling with feeling fat and wishing I had more control over my body. But to be limited in my energy level, in my ability to concentrate on things I really enjoy, felt like too much last night. I was literally losing my mind.

I gave up a full-time job and sold a successful business in June in order to have a more compatible schedule with my husband. Besides having more time together (which makes it easier to get pregnant), I wanted to reduce my stress and stop depriving myself of sleep. And I did it. But last night, when I was a basket case and knew I'd have to get up early this morning to study, I felt like I had lost everything - I wasn't able to function at the level I could pre-pregnancy, nor was I able to be the happy wholesome healthy mom-to-be that was my goal.

I'm feeling better today - two hours of studying this morning cinched everything into place, and despite the fact that I am coming down with a cold and I'm pretty tired, I'm hanging in there. Also I think I did well on my test, and I got a nice pep talk from my lab instructor (who has a little one at home himself, and has been very supportive about my pregnancy) when I told him I was thinking about dropping the class.

Spring break is in a few weeks - I'll hang on until then.