Listless

For my 35th birthday I got myself: a diaper bag, new cushions for a hand-me-down glider, and a nursery monitor. Feeling a bit pathetic.

Also I am totally burned out on pregnancy books. I went through my pile today to return some to the friend who lent them to me. I copied four books' lists of "what to bring to the hospital" for later reference. I'm not going to pack until I'm actually in labor, I decided, but I will make a list ahead of time.

The good side of this burnout is that I was inspired to get into my glass studio and play with stained glass for a few hours tonight, which is something I haven't really felt like doing lately.

My therapist and I had an interesting conversation earlier this week about how I feel like my (normally sharp science-oriented) brain has been way under-stimulated lately, and how I am afraid I am wearing out all my friends with my incessant talk of babies, labor, and pregnancy. She helped me to separate two issues: whether I want to make the time for the things I used to do (stained glass, piano, sciencey geeky things, reading math books for fun), and coping with self-judgment about my shift in focus right now. The self-criticism side of it is something I don't need, yet it's hard to let go of how other people (who don't have kids, aren't interested in babies, etc) see me right now. It's bad enough that strangers see just the "pregnant woman" identity, but I squirm thinking that I've truly become less cool because the mama-to-be side of me is so dominant.

Climbing tomorrow should help my psyche a bit, although I think it will probably be my last time on the wall until after baby - my belly is growing and dropping at an alarming rate and it is getting too hard to keep my body far enough away from the wall.

Pregnancy according to The Onion

Heh heh...
Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite

A Summary of Climbing with Baby on Board

Prepregnancy:

• weight: 146
• climbing level: 5-10A to 5-10D, at indoor climbing gym
  
• typically climbing and/or lifting 2-3 times a week
  

First Trimester:

• weight gain at 12 weeks: 3 pounds
• short of breath, frequently had to stop mid-climb to pant
• continued lifting weights in addition to climbing
• continued to boulder occasionally against medical advice

Fourth Month:

• often dizzy/lightheaded when climbing and when not climbing
• still short of breath frequently
• beginning of uterine ligament cramps - stretching abs could initiate these
• climbing up to 5-10C
• stopped lifting
  

Fifth Month:

• no energy, muscles ached more
• went to last kickboxing class
  
• had difficulty climbing above 5-10A (disappointing - had wanted to hit 5-11A before month 6)
• continued ligament cramps
• climbing partner commented I seemed to be stretching and reaching more than prepregnancy
• started using body harness

Sixth Month:

• no more ligament cramps
• muscles failure resolved (red blood cell count back to normal?)
• climbing up to 5-10C with overhangs
• recognized that I started favoring stemming and mantling techniques over brute strength/bicep moves
  
• generally felt great physically and moodwise this month

Seventh Month:

• carpal tunnel symptoms started - wore wrist braces at night which resolved most pain
• started having inconsistent results on overhangs - still climbing up to 5-10C regularly
• began to find climbs where I could not get close enough to the wall because of larger belly
• continued to stem and climb with one hip against the wall more than usual
• shortness of breath returned - needed rests even on short-ish climbs
  

Eighth Month:

• total weight gain: 26 pounds
• pregnant climbing partner stopped climbing; down to climbing sessions once a week
• climbing up to 5-10B
  
• started to feel fearful about certain moves (around corners, some overhangs) and chose not to do them
• shoes often too tight
• abs stopped working in coordination
  

Ninth Month:

• total weight gain: 29 pounds (so far)
• much more focused on stemming/mantling routes
• don't like sensation of belly brushing against wall, more distracted by concern of falling and squashing kiddo
• climbing up to 5-10A, haven't much wanted to try big overhangs because of nervousness about falling and swinging

36 Weeks, 1 Day:

• climbed three 5.8's, and on my first 5.9 of the day, felt a funny twinge in my ribs/abs that didn't go away until about 20 minutes of resting. Decided to stop climbing until post-baby.

Generally:

• Many people at the climbing gym have asked whether I've experienced any changes in balance, but I haven't noticed any particular balance changes when climbing, dancing, or otherwise.
• One of the big concerns about climbing while pregnant is the loosening of the ligaments, which can cause injuries particularly in the shoulders. Was very careful not to hang on my shoulders from early on.
• Did not experience as much muscle soreness as in pre-pregnancy.

Ugh - impatient

I'm remembering past pregnant friends getting to this point where they say they feel huge and ready to be done with pregnancy. I'm not that huge, but the baby is dropping somewhat and I have been retaining fluid and all the lovely things that brings on (puffy ankles and feet, headaches, carpal tunnel pain, and more). I've been monitoring my blood pressure and I'm not concerned about pre-eclampsia, but my husband is, so I'll check in with the midwives tomorrow to set his mind at ease. I prescribed myself a massage and pedicure in the meantime.

I'm at the point where I feel at least a little uncomfortable all the time. Supposedly the baby dropping is supposed to help me feel less short of breath, but I haven't noticed a change. She's started groping my internal organs, which is weird and uncomfortable, though not typically painful. Occasionally she gets her foot stuck somewhere in my rib cage, which is not very much fun at all, but she shakes loose if I get up and start walking around. A few weeks ago it was cute that she would do little kickboxing routines (three punches to the kidneys and a kick to the ribs) but now I am grateful that she has less room to move around and get a good wind-up.

Basically, I'm feeling ready for the baby to arrive. The nursery is ready. I bought diapers and wipes and other supplies today. I'm working on little projects around the house but there's nothing urgent that needs doing - I'm feeling listless. I have an intuition that Little One is going to come early (38 weeks would be perfect - that's in three weeks) but our doula is insisting that we keep in mind most first-time mothers give birth about a week past due date. Six weeks more of this seems much more overwhelming.

I've been trying to practice my hypnobirthing techniques when I wake up in the middle of the night with my hands aching - it's hard to concentrate when I'm half asleep and already in pain - glad that my husband will be guiding me for labor itself.

Thoughts about labor and birth

In reading some books about labor and delivery (specifically, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and The Hypnobirthing Book), I have started to think a lot about how attitudes about childbirth have changed in the last 100 years or so. Lots of statistics back up the idea that childbirth has been sort of usurped by the medical industry, putting forth a belief that most women need lots of medical support and intervention in order to safely deliver a baby (or two).

I'm not so sure I buy that: why would it be that my body and my baby have behaved exactly the way they were supposed to, all through this pregnancy, only to fail at the end? Being a climber, I've learned to trust my muscles - when I train them, they work properly. Why would I assume my uterine muscles wouldn't function as well?

My husband is behind my desire to have a natural childbirth, and the closest hospital happens to be known in our city for providing minimal intervention and midwives instead of doctors as the status quo. In fact, I was told recently that I won't even be scheduled to see an MD unless there's an unexpected complication. The first doctor I will speak to will be the pediatrician who comes to check the baby after she's born.

The interesting thing is the study of pain during labor - as a society we have developed a belief that labor is inherently painful, and I've seen so many comments on message boards from women who are fearful about the pain of labor. Guess what? Fear kicks in your autonomic nervous system, which makes you tense, uterine muscles work against instead of with each other, and it hurts! I was flipping through three books a friend gave me, and saw chapter headings like "Coping with Childbirth". I didn't even bother to read 'em - no wonder so many women get epidurals and end up with C-sections!

Here are some things I've learned recently:

Induction via pitocin accelerates labor contractions to the point where the body cannot naturally produce endorphins to match the intensity of the contractions. This makes them hurt more. In natural labor, which progresses more slowly, endorphin rates increase with the intensity of contractions.

Epidurals limit a woman's ability to use her lower body, which makes pushes less effective and also makes it impossible for a women to use certain labor positions (squatting, for example) which enlarge the pelvis.

Midwives at birthing centers have been able to achieve a 2% C-section rate, compared to the national average of 35%.

Women in other cultures who don't expect labor to be painful typically have shorter labors and uneventful births.

Doctors tend to have more painful labors than non-medical professionals.

Redefinition

I think I may be understanding what it feels like to be a big-breasted woman - when I run into strangers on the street, they don't look me in the eye anymore - their gaze goes right to the belly.

Oh, and to the rude woman who pushed me to cut in front of me in line at the candy store: I'm sorry to see your two grandchildren don't have a better role model for a grandmother, and I'm sure I was more uncomfortable standing in line for ten minutes than you were!

Insomnia

It is 3:30 in the morning, and I have been awake since 1. After 20 years of insomnia and sleep-related mood problems, I know that anxiety about sleep is the biggest obstacle to getting to sleep, but after three days of sub-par sleep, I am beginning to wonder when this disruption will start to take its toll. My therapist will be alarmed to know that my sleep has taken such a nosedive - last time this happened I was practically suicidal within three weeks and ended up on Lunesta and Ambien. Hopefully all the yummy pregnancy hormones will carry me through this time.

On a better note, Babies'R'Us is not as scary as I thought it would be. Got some crib sheets, changing pad, and a few other things to add to the nursery. Started reading a Hypnobirthing book; continuing to feel that labor is not going to be that bad if I'm able to feel prepared and confident that it will go well. Starting to get impatient and tired of being pregnant.

Last Nursery Photo, 8/13

It certainly took longer than I'd hoped, but the nursery is more or less a nursery at this point. Started unloading clothes into the dressers this weekend and sorting through all the loot that's been cluttering up our music room.

My midwife warned me a few months ago that towards the end of my pregnancy, my sleep would start resembling the pattern of sleep with a newborn. I've been sleeping in 1-2 hours shifts, getting 5-6 hours a night, napping once or twice a day, and holding up ok.

Endgame

Between reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and spending 3 hours meeting with our doula last night, we've got the actual birth of our baby on the mind lately. Last two nights I've had dreams about the baby being born - in one, it was a boy instead of the girl we were expecting. Last night, I dreamed that we had twins and my husband and a friend named them without consulting me. In both, my brain skipped over the actual labor part of the experience, straight to the prize at the end.

Despite all my high hopes of finishing the mural yesterday and being able to start putting together furniture and moving the baby stuff into the nursery, I made a painting mistake that will take 2-4 days to undo, and everything else is on hold. A big bummer.

In general, things continue to go well and I don't feel very slowed down. I have had to start power napping after every climbing session, but otherwise my body has been working correctly. We finally bought a new car, one with backseats, which was a project I was getting a little worried about. Once it arrives I will start messing with how to put the infant car seat in - from what I understand, that process is complicated enough that it may merit a blog entry all itself.

Nursery, 8/6

Mural almost done. Looking forward to furniture-putting-together day!