Sharing

After a very social evening in which Mini-Me was pushed to her limits, and a car ride home full of bickering, Papa announced that he would handle bedtime with Mini-Me tonight. I fixed him a bottle, laid out the swaddling stuff the way I always do it, and left them to it. It feels very unsettling to be sharing this ritual with him, because it's always been my job. It seems childish to get hung up on claiming bedtime as my domain - sure, Mini-Me's care is my full-time job, but she is our kid, after all. In thinking about it, I realized that I feel usurped and a little fearful that I can be easily replaced in Mini-Me's life. Rationally, I know it's silly, but I just don't feel like sharing sometimes.

It's unfair to Papa - this morning, when Mini-Me woke me up before I was ready and the cat jumped all over me after spilling all my stuff off the night table and I felt put-upon by every member of this household, he listened to how I was doing and acknowledged that I'm feeling stretched too thin. Taking bedtime off my hands should be a treat, right?

I think I'll go play in the stained glass studio for a while and see if that helps.

Looking back

A pair of very good friends had a baby about a week ago. After the initial phone call that first day, I waited impatiently to call them since I wanted to hear all the details of the labor and birth and the first week home. With the three of them on my mind all week, I have been thinking back to that first week we brought Mini-Me home: how new everything was, how perfect the baby was, how lucky we felt in our new family. Every new phase with Mini-Me is better than the last, but there is something magic about bringing the new baby home that fades after the first few weeks. That's when sleep deprivation sets in, the phone stops ringing, and the supply of frozen meals gives out.

Welcome to the world, Elizabeth!

Sleep mess continued

So, it only took a few days to straighten out Mini-Me's nap schedule - she now goes down, easily in her crib, at 9 AM and 1 PM and sometimes around 4:30 or 5 depending on how the other naps go. Bedtime at 8 PM, and we usually go out for a walk during that last hour to distract her and keep her awake.

She's been in a much better mood with this new sleep schedule; I, unfortunately, have been having a harder time. With the new earlier bedtime, I have been losing sleep since I still stay awake until 10 or 11. Also Mini-Me has added a second feeding in the nighttime (I assume as a result of the shift in sleep schedule), and even though she's barely awake for 15 minutes of feeding and burping, the interruptions in my own sleep are just killing me. I went from getting two rounds of five hours to three rounds of three hours, and the difference has had a real effect on my energy and my mood.

At 6:30 this morning, the baby started fussing, the cat started knocking things off tables to get some attention, and my husband rolled over to cuddle me which resulted in his CPAP machine blowing a blast of cold air down my neck. Between the three of them I am feeling overneeded and dragged down.

Fortunately Mini-Me and I are traveling this week to see some friends cross-country, and I think the break will do us some good.

I will consult the sleep book about how to eliminate a nighttime feeding, and implement that when we are back from our trip.

The mess we've gotten into

If I could do it all again, I would read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child from cover to cover while I was still pregnant. I am blessed since Mini-Me settled very quickly into a totally acceptable sleeping pattern at night: 4-6 hours of sleep, a round of nursing and rocking that lasted anywhere from ten minutes to one hour, then another 4-6 hours of sleep. Naps have been haphazard, which has been the growing problem for the last month or two. The swing, which was always my failsafe, has even stopped working, and now I'm feeling totally stuck, exhausted, guilty for not doing better, and resentful because Mini-Me takes, at best, ineffective naps most of the time now. It seems like a two hour nap is a matter of luck over anything else.

So, I've been flipping through the book and so far a few points have stuck out:
* the book has given me the courage to let Mini-Me cry for longer periods of time (we had a disastrous experiment with "cry-it-out" a few months ago and I've been hesitant to take the hard line on this since then.)
* we will all be happier and healthier if we establish a structure of naptimes, all happier and healthier except me, who feels resentful that my schedule will be slave to Mini-Me's naptimes
* according to the author, daytime and nighttime sleep are different parts of the brain, so whipping naptimes into shape does not mean that I have to ditch the nighttime routine, which has almost always worked very well.

So my project for the week: schedule around naptimes for a whole week, let Mini-Me cry (for up to an hour if she goes that long), spend the time in my stained glass studio without the monitor turned on, so I can't hear her. Look forward to getting a shower every day.

Since Mini-Me normally naps (or, used to nap) in her swing, I'll keep her in the swing this week - we are visiting friends in a few weeks, and she will probably sleep in a swing there full-time. Will transition her to the crib when we get back.

All this concern about sleep training while dealing with a fussy baby has made me cranky and sad.

Pregnancy according to XKCD.com

Time alone

It's been almost six months, and still I hesitate when it's time to turn around and walk out of the childcare center at the gym, leaving Mini-Me in someone else's arms. And as grateful as I am for the Sunday afternoons when Mini-Me and Papa go off together and give me some time alone, the sheer stillness in the house when I'm here all by myself is a little overwhelming.

Pumping tricks

When I was visiting my parents a few weeks ago, I started having problems with pumping. I knew my breast was full, but I couldn't get more than a few drops out with the pump I was using. I was frustrated and concerned for about a week, which made the problem worse, I'm sure.

The books all say it's helpful to keep a photo of your baby close by if you pump at work. I was surprised by how effective visualization was for me - I could go from dry to spurting in less than a minute. Since I never seem to get engorged anymore the way I used to, these things keep me able to pump almost the same volume as I did before:

* having Mini-Me close by while pumping, particularly when she's in a good mood.
* photos of Mini-Me, especially when she's looking at the camera
* photos of me nursing Mini-Me
* video of Mini-Me
* imagining the feeling of her weight on my arm and the pinch as she latches on while nursing

If I did have to pump at an office location, I think I would have my husband video us nursing over my shoulder, so the camera sees what I see.