Project Mini-Me

How the Toddler Knew

2010-04-13T05:37:00.000-07:00

One of the things about twins is, as during most of their childhood, I imagine, in pregnancy everything happens sooner and more intensely. I started showing at about eight weeks. I knew it when my toddler patted my stomach and said, very solemnly, "that's a big Mama."

I had my first prenatal at eleven weeks, and the doctor said I had a "15-weeks sized uterus". I'm also noticing symptoms that started around 10 weeks, symptoms I didn't experience in my first pregnancy until four months or so (ligament cramps, lightheadedness). I started pulling out maternity clothes a few weeks ago, and now that everyone knows we are pregnant I get to start wearing them rather than the layers of baggy stuff I've been wearing lately. From what I've read about twin pregnancies, I'm going to look full-term around seven months. (Oh great, two months of feeling like Jabba the Hutt instead of a week or two.)

Cat's Out of the Bag

2010-04-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

Finally we are "out" about our latest creative endeavor! Here's the timeline of our last few months:

2/11 - consultation with fertility doc. Complained of mood side effects from Clomid, so we decided to switch to Letrizole with next treatment cycle. Tally is now seven cycles of IUI, four at the midwife clinic, three at the fertility clinic, six of those with Clomid.

2/13 - began to suspect that we were pregnant

2/16 - BFP, which was a little surprising because with Mini-Me #1 I got several negative test results before a positive one 18 DPO. This time it was 12 DPO.

2/17, 2/19 - blood tests to confirm pregnancy. Got a call from the fertility clinic to say that my labs looked good. Actually what the nurse said was "yes, you're very pregnant." (The mathematician in me was vaguely annoyed. After all, it's a binary process, right? Either you are or you aren't, not like you can be "very" pregnant or "a little" pregnant... just wait, joke's on me!)

3/1-3/8 - took Mini-Me #1 to my parents' house across the country for a visit. Was exhausted the whole time, took advantage of the built-in grandparents childcare, took lots of naps, found that sitting up for an hour or two made me tired. Also threw up in the shower once while brushing teeth. Was puzzled because I was nowhere near this exhausted with first pregnancy, but chalked it up to pregnancy + travel + toddler care. Was sure Mom and Dad had guessed I was pregnant.

3/9 - back home, first ultrasound. Doctor asked how I was feeling. Complained of mind-numbing fatigue and worse nausea than I had experienced with first pregnancy. He said "well yeah, I'd expect you to be twice as tired and twice as sick because you're twice as pregnant." Thunk.

So, twins. Two little white beans on the ultrasound for me to see.

Each black blob is an embryonic sac. Each little white bean inside is a growing baby.

This and subsequent ultrasounds have helped determine that these twins are "di-di", that is, they do not share a sac or a placenta. This is good news, as it is the type of twins that are least likely to have medical problems later on in the pregnancy. It also means that they are fraternal. There is a 50% chance that they are boy-girl, 25% chance both girls, 25% chance both boys.

The last six weeks have been a haze of fatigue and stomachaches. I have never experienced anything like it before, though it reminds me of my best friend from high school describing her weakness while recovering from mono. Eighteen hours a day in bed sometimes. Appetite hit or miss. Waking up every hour or two at night, spending 45-60 minutes trying to get back to sleep. It's been a real drag, but it's starting to improve. Some days I actually have the energy to do TWO things (bring toddler to the park AND go grocery shopping) in a day, though it usually knocks me out to the point where I spend a few hours in bed at dinnertime. My child has had her brain turned to mush by too many Elmo videos and she and I are both getting by on triscuits and cheddar cheese and grapes, sometimes more than once a day.

Husband has been complaining that I haven't been very excited about this pregnancy, but honestly, I'm thrilled. I just didn't have the extra energy to be cheery.

Here again

2010-01-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

Almost a year since my last post, and we are still in the same place. Well, we're not pregnant. After mucking around with a year of progesterone supplements and four IUIs (interuterine insemination) I was referred to a fertility clinic where I started feeling that right away I was in more directed hands.

In the last four weeks, I have had three ultrasounds, two stronger doses of Clomid, one (unsuccessful) IUI, and shelled out thousands of dollars for this expert care. COBRA should kick in soon so we can start getting reimbursed, but geez! I haven't been without medical insurance since that year after I graduated college, and it's expensive all right.

The initial consultation with the doctor was encouraging - my Day 2 ultrasound showed that I had 18 follicles being produced, which is apparently above-average for my age (37). This means that the problem is not that I'm running out of eggs. The problem is pretty clearly that I have a very short luteal phase without pharmaceutical help, too short to allow a fertilized egg to get where it needs to go and burrow in to make a home. One extremely helpful thing the doctor said is that there are lots of ways to manipulate the cycle, but the one thing they can't fix is low eggs, which is not my problem. She said she doesn't see any reason why I can't have two more kids (one at a time).

The new treatment plan is to treat this luteal phase defect on the front end of the cycle rather than supplementing with progesterone after ovulation. She doubled the amount of Clomid I was taking. An ultrasound mid-cycle revealed that I had four or five follicles still developing. When the two largest reached maturity, I gave myself an injection of Ovidrel to trigger ovulation, and we did an IUI. It didn't work this time, as I found out on 12/25 (Merry Christmas to you! You're not getting that one thing you really wanted for Christmas.)

So now I am in round 2. I had an ultrasound to check follicle size a few days ago, I take an Ovidrel shot tonight, and we have our IUI scheduled on Saturday.

In other news, Mini-Me #1 is doing just great, talks up a storm, looks like my father around the eyes, and transitioned into a Big Girl Bed last month. We are investigating preschools to start in the fall.

In other news with me, I finally committed to losing the baby weight, and lost 15 pounds in two months this spring. I am wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes again. I continue to climb every week and I am now climbing 11As and attempting 11Bs.

Round 2

2009-02-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

I am back at it: taking my temperature every day, waiting for the Magic Window every month, being disappointed a few weeks later...

Since Mini-Me #1 I have been ovulating really late in my cycle - day 22-24 or so - so the fertility doc at my midwife clinic has prescribed me progesterone to extend my luteal phase. This does not actually increase my chance of getting pregnant, just makes it possible for me to stay pregnant long enough for my body to get the right hormonal signals before my next cycle begins.

I thought somehow having one baby already would lessen the impatience and frustration of trying to get pregnant a second time. Having such good success the first time (once I started charting my temperatures) convinced me that it would be a piece of cake this next time. I have a lot of jealousy toward friends who have gotten pregnant or had new babies recently, especially if their first was in Mini-Me's cohort. My husband teases me about being overly competitive, but there's a deeper emotional tone than that. When I was feeling particularly low about my body, my identity, and my lack of connection with my husband, it was easy to see a pregnant friend and think "well, clearly her husband finds her attractive enough to have sex with her!"

A wise friend reminded me gently a few weeks ago: "there's nothing romantic about making babies".

I don't even care about carrying around extra weight anymore. I decided as an anti-New Year's Resolution that I would lay off the exercise guilt and concentrate on having two more babies and nursing them each for a year. Once I made that goal, probably around age 40, I would set myself a new goal of getting my physique back on track.

Baby Gear I Couldn't Live Without

2008-10-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

After a year of this Mama gig, I have identified a few pieces of gear without which the quality of my/Mini-Me's life would be severely compromised:

pacifiers - I feel so sorry for my friends whose babies won't take a pacifier. I may change my tune when Mini-Me is older and we have to go through the trauma of giving up the pacifiers.

swing - The first time Mini-Me fell asleep without being attached to my body was in the swing. It quickly became my favorite tool for helping her fall asleep. In the beginning it also worked well as a sleeping spot when we traveled to stay at other peoples' houses. I think I bought four of these off Craig's List in four different cities. This particular brand has a deeper seat and deeper recline so it is a little safer once baby is able to sit up a little.

nest - This was Mini-Me's parking spot during the first four months of her life. We had it in our bedroom when she was first born, and then we had it in her crib. For a refluxy baby it was ideal to have her sleeping at an angle instead of lying flat.

Ergo - This baby carrier changed the way I felt about leaving the house. As Mini-Me got heavier, side carry slings quickly because a problem for my back. We live on a big hill, and walking to do errands became uncomfortable. The Ergo is terrific. I also love it for plane flights - baby can sleep and you have your hands free for the flight. Now that Mini-Me is older I carry her on my back instead of my front, and it continues to be a comfortable ride for both of us.

miracle blanket - We swaddled Mini-Me *way* longer than most people - I think we finally gave it up when she was about 10-11 months old. As she grew and got stronger, no other swaddling method could hold her. We still use a miracle blanket on airplanes to help her get to sleep in such simulating settings. We stopped swaddling once it because clear that worming her way out of the swaddling was a play activity when she was supposed to be napping.

hook-on high chair - We got this initially for a trip to Mexico, never dreaming we would get so much use out of it. Restaurants. Hotels. A spare when we have a friend over. I like it better than restaurant high chairs because Mini-Me is right at table level with us - makes it easier to feed her and it's socially nicer. This brand is better than most because it has padding along the back and seat and the cover comes off easily to throw in the washer.

peapod - Used to be, Mini-Me would sleep easily in her Moses basket so we would lug the thing with us whenever we needed her nap away from home. When she finally outgrew that, we got this Peapod. We actually got it for camping, but we find it fits easily in a suitcase for hotel stays, and it works well when we need her to sleep in strange surroundings.

Kelty convertible - A friend of mine who has four boys said she didn't understand how I could possibly travel solo with Mini-Me without a stroller. I told her I could do without a stroller as long as I had the Ergo with me. And she sent me this for my birthday. Best birthday present ever! This baby backpack converts to a stroller. It is neither as comfortable as the Ergo nor as smooth a ride as a mid-price stroller, but the fact that it is both makes it indispensible. It's narrow so it's easy to maneuver in shops and crowds. It's more comfortable for my husband than the Ergo. And it's terrific at airports - baby *and* stroller on my back, car seat in one hand, suitcase in the other - it's a breeze. I've never seen anything like it and I get a lot of comments about it.

Frustration

2008-10-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of good fun things I have been thinking about blogging lately, but right now I am mad and low because I am still carrying the last 15 goddamn pounds, despite running 2 miles everyday and watching what I eat and everything.

Plus, I am right back where I was two years ago, in that my friends who have babies the same age as Mini-Me are starting to announce that they are pregnant again, whereas my body is struggling to get back on board and my husband is too engrossed with work for us to make a concerted effort.

Home sick

2008-07-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

Little Mini-Me has had a few colds before, but has never been down for the count with a fever like last night... after a day of practically no naps and a bedtime fever of 102, she was just a wreck. Today she is much better, but napping poorly due to congestion when she lies flat on her back.

When Mini-Me was small, I used to enjoy her growth spurts and the excuse to have a "nursing holiday", which basically meant I canceled everything in my schedule and sat around in my pajamas, watching TV all day while she nursed.

Today I planned a "sick day", in which I put her in the carseat (45 degree angle, better for breathing), drove to Target, and walked around until she fell asleep. Then I transferred her to the car, did the drive-through at In-n-Out burger, and read magazines in the parking lot until she woke up. It worked beautifully. Plus I got some errands done, ate lunch and even got some quiet reading time!

Making room

2008-07-26T07:02:00.000-07:00

I just finished going through my tub of pre-pregnancy clothes with ruthless abandon, and now I have a pile of Goodwill and a smaller wish pile which I may fit into again soon. I ended up getting rid of more pants and keeping more tank tops. Some of the tops are cropped, which was cute when I had a cute belly and would be cute if I were pregnant, but are definitely not cute now that I am neither of those things. I'm putting those in the maternity clothes box.

I went climbing yesterday and was pleased to climb a 5.10C that was hard strategy-wise and a 5.10B with some overhang (although neither challenged me as much strength-wise as they could have). We had a group of three and rotated climbing, belaying, and playing with the baby off in a corner. I was afraid the staff would swoop down upon us for breaking the rules about kids in the climbing area, but Mini-Me was fairly well behaved and disarmed surrounding climbers and staff with her cuteness.

I lifted twice this week, and the second time I wasn't debilitated with soreness as I was after the first session. Have slacked off in my cardio but even so, scale says body fat is going down even though pounds are steady or go up a little. Muscle is heavy.

In other news, a few months of careful charting show that I just started ovulating again. (Had two or three (charting inconclusive) anovulatory cycles starting when Mini-Me was six months old.) Time for Mini-Me #2?

low low low... again

2008-07-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

It has been overcast here all week, I am exhausted and have a throbbing toothache, I had to put my cat to sleep two weeks ago, and Mini-Me has felt the need to wake up at 5 AM all week for some unfathomable reason. Plus I am disgusted with my fatness. All this has sapped my spirit and is rapidly attacking my will to live. Husband helpfully suggested taking a road trip to somewhere sunny, but I am not going to make any escape plans until I hear back from the dentist about whether he can squeeze me in today... and then I will have to deal with getting childcare, which stresses me out.

First plan of attack is to get through today and start going to bed at 9 PM so if Mini-Me continues with this unreasonable wake-up time, at least I'm getting eight hours of sleep. Also will reach out to friends for a pep-talk today. Blech, this bites.

I have two playdates with new friends scheduled tomorrow, which should be fun and a chance to connect with people who aren't my parents or my husband.

Mini-Me is doing well - she still isn't crawling yet and gets frustrated about this sometimes, but she is able to explore pretty well just by rolling and shifting around while sitting up. Her two bottom tooth nubs are pronounced. She finally got the hang of the sippy cup earlier this week. And we had a good visit at Grandma and Grandpa's last week. She was super on the plane in both directions and slept very very well while she was there. We have been adding some new foods to her list this week: leeks, spinach, and in the next few days, beef. Yum.

What Mini-Me eats

2008-07-08T07:21:00.001-07:00

I make Mini-Me's food, which is for the most part fun and convenient (I even brought five days worth of food with me to Pittsburgh for a trip! I put it in my suitcase frozen solid with ice packs and it arrived on the other end no problem.)

The site Wholesome Baby Food is terrific for non-cooks who have no intuition about certain confusing vegetables. Mostly stuff gets steamed, then blended into a puree, then I freeze it in ice cube trays. Once the stuff is frozen, I pop the cubes out into a ziploc bag, label it, and store it all in the freezer. When it comes time to feed the baby, I either pull out cubes the night before to thaw in the fridge, or thaw in the microwave. Certain foods like avocado just get mashed.

We started Mini-Me on rice cereal at five months, and now at nine months she eats:

Fruits: bananas, apples, pears, peaches, nectarines, cherries, blueberries, cantaloupe, plums/prunes

Vegetables: squash, sweet potato, carrots, parsnips, cauliflower, green beans, peas, asparagus, zucchini, avocado, beets, broccoli, eggplant,

Dairy: yogurt, cottage cheese, cheddar

Proteins: chicken, turkey, lentils, black beans, tofu, egg yolks

So far she has had no problems with allergies, although she did have a contact rash on her chin after two days of mangos in Mexico. She seems to like almost everything, though tofu and green beans take a little coaxing. She hardly ever eats banana anymore because it seems to cause constipation every time.

New flavors we plan to add in the coming weeks: strawberries, beef, leeks, and spinach.

Nine month checkup

2008-07-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

This time we were seeing a new pediatrician, since our beloved Dr. S. is moving to Delaware. After some arguing and persistence I was able to get an appointment at the convenient pediatrics clinic down the street, which seems to be refusing new clients except for special occasions and new moons or something.

Dr. A. seems equally great, and if possible even more laid-back than Dr. S. The office is not as inviting, but we can live with that since we are now a ten minute walk away instead of a 45 minute drive.

Mini-Me is a tiny little peanut. At nine months she is just 14 lbs 12 oz and 25.5" long, which is <5%ile for both height and weight. Some doctors would freak out about this and suggest supplementing baby's diet with formula, but, as we have discussed about percentiles before on this site, it is *normal* for a few babies in every hundred to be this small.

The key, Dr. A. said, is that Mini-Me simply wouldn't be sleeping through the night if she weren't getting enough calories. And she does sleep through the night - ten hours at a time. We also had her iron levels checked, and they were fine, and Mini-Me is hitting all her developmental markers. So the doctor said don't worry about it, just continue to focus on getting some protein and some iron into her diet every day. In response we have added egg yolks and black beans to the menu.

In other news, Mini-Me has two little teeth popping through her bottom gum, she is frustrated that she hasn't quite gotten crawling yet, and she can pull herself to standing so we lowered the mattress on the crib.

The mystery and science of sleep

2008-06-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

Mini-Me's sleep patterns continue to improve, as we see above - she is now taking two solid naps per day, sleeping through the night (although sometimes waking up earlier than I would like), and she holds it together throughout the evening so I don't dread that fussy time between 6 and 8. That was the worst when she was transitioning from three naps to two a few months ago.

She has three crutches: she sleeps with a pacifier, she sleeps better when swaddled, and she sleeps in her Moses basket, which is set in her crib. Because she is getting rather old for swaddling, I finally broke down and got a Miracle Blanket in an attempt to contain her when she is in a Houdini mood. No way around it, though, she is getting too long for the Moses basket. I tried to get her napping and sleeping in her crib without the basket, and the first day went ok, though she napped for shorter periods of time than I had hoped. She rolls all over the crib and eventually works her way out of her swaddle, but then she is able to find the pacifier by herself. Today, though, as an experiment, I put her down for naps in her basket, and she slept three hours this morning and two more in the afternoon! I put her to bed in her crib tonight at bedtime, and she woke up twice in the first hour. I put her in the basket and haven't heard from her since. So I guess she's not yet ready to move out of the Moses basket. I'll keep watching for opportunities to steer her toward a less prop-intensive sleep routine, but I am not excited about giving up those nice long naps!

Strollers continued

2008-06-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

I swore up and down that I would not be one of "those moms" who has three or four strollers cluttering up the house... and I am on the verge of buying my third stroller. *sigh* The Snap'n'Go I picked out for my baby registry before I did any research or even knew what I was doing, when I was too overwhelmed to make an informed decision, so that one was my practice shot. I did end up getting the Buggster earlier this month, which I love except that the latch on one side doesn't lock open properly so I have to send it back for a replacement.

It is, however, too big to fly with and barely fits in the trunk of the car. Looked smaller on the website! So it is likely that I will get a third stroller later this summer. Actually, if you count the Peg Perego that my parents in Boston scored at a garage sale, technically Mini-Me has four strollers. I am visiting my folks in a few weeks, and assuming I don't fall in love with the PP and decide to bring it back with me, I will be getting another lightweight stroller for travel and car trips, probably the Evenflo X Sport. I humbly eat my words about resisting the urge to multi-stroller!

The Stroller Derby

2008-06-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

It is time to buy a stroller. The Ergo is great, but it hurts my back when I wear it too much, and Mini-Me is outgrowing her car seat bucket so the Snap'n'Go isn't going to work for us much longer.

I'm such a sucker for marketing - after researching strollers all weekend I am finally ready to test-drive and buy a stroller, maybe today. Yesterday I caught myself turning up my nose at a "common" stroller at Costco, and envying fancy European strollers of other moms at the gym... models I had already taken off my own list. I am not one of those types of people who has the tenacity to spend four weekends in a row test-driving strollers like, say, my neighbor across the street, but I am willing to spend a few hours browsing the excellent reviews at Baby Bargains and then just pick one.

In the end, I decided to spend $200-$300, with the aim of getting a stroller that was sturdy enough for errands around the neighborhood, light enough to get up our steep hill without killing me, and foldable for the airplane in case I wanted to fly with it. I had a short list:
Inglesina Zippy
Zooper Waltz
Valco Buggster

I must admit that I was drawn to models that had cool names. And cool colors. Kiwi is the new black.

I am test-driving a Buggster today, and if I don't have any problems with it, I'm going to buy one. I just got off the phone with the IRS (after 45 minutes on hold last week and 30 minutes on hold today) and they confirmed that our economic stimulus package was miscalculated because they left out the kiddo. They owe us $300. Zippety-doo-da!

Sleep tracking

2008-05-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

What the transition from three naps to two naps looks like:

Black is always asleep, white is always awake.

At this point, eight months old, here is an ideal sleep day:
Wake up between 6 and 7 AM
First nap: 8:30 AM (2-3 hours)
Second nap: 2 PM (2 hours)
Bedtime: 8:30 PM

A few days ago Mini-Me had a short afternoon nap so she was tired and cranky by 6 PM - the kind of day where I used to do a three-nap day. Instead, I let her nurse and then catnap sitting on me while I watched some TV. It was very sweet - something I hadn't realized I'd missed. With all this sleep training and the emphasis on routine, I miss out on some of the cuddle time when Mini-Me sleeps in her crib every time.

More travel tips

2008-05-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I oughta start a blog just on traveling with infants! Here's the international version:

* car seats are not required in Mexico, so we left ours home and used the Ergo. The only times we were riding were back and forth to the airport and back and forth to the wedding ceremony we were attending.

* air conditioning was key to Mini-Me's comfort, especially since she still sleeps swaddled. I should have brought more plain onesies for sleeping - she sweated through everything (I mean, the PJs, the swaddling blankets, straight through to the mattress).

* heat rash is a condition that occurs when sweat glands get blocked. It looks unsightly but it's not uncomfortable for baby and it clears up quickly (12 hours after we got home in Mini-Me's case)

* in tropical climates, staying hydrated is extra important but giving the baby a lot of water can lead to electrolyte imbalance, so we gave her a lot of pear juice and breastfed more often

* baby food jars are *heavy* - my suitcase would have been overweight if I hadn't been able to offload some into my husband's luggage

* we got a little hook-on high chair which was indispensable, especially since it was so dusty and there were little mites and critters running all over the ground - nice to have a safe clean place to put the baby when we were at restaurants or hanging out at the hotel.

Mexico

2008-05-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Mexico trip went very well, much better than we had expected after the difficult trip to Boston a few weeks earlier. When we arrived, we discovered that the hotel room we had reserved for Mini-Me was not air-conditioned, so we got a cheap-o Moses basket at the local Walmart and the baby slept in our room. After two hotel stays, I think the big difference was having a space near the room where we could hang out while she fell asleep. We brought the baby monitor and hung out in the little courtyard outside the room, where there was wireless and a bar. Not a bad set-up.

The most significant thing I will remember about this trip is that my husband and I had a HUGE fight about Mini-Me. It started when we were at a restaurant way past her bedtime and she was melting down. I wanted to go back to the hotel ahead of him so I could put her to bed, and he wanted to push her to stay up later so we could both stay. I got really mad about this - I am so used to working around Mini-Me's sleep schedule, and I didn't think it was fair to take advantage of her adaptability. Papa felt that if we were going to take the trouble to go all the way to Mexico for a wedding, we should participate in everything and let Mini-Me straighten out her sleep schedule when we got back (which is how the airplane flight home from Boston went so horribly awry).

It was ugly. Things were said that should have stayed unspoken. But once we cooled down, I did agree that I needed to loosen up and also that I needed to let Papa be in charge more often. I talked this over with a friend who has three kids and an awesome parenting relationship with his wife, and he likened parenting to loading the dishwasher. I knew exactly what he meant, because my husband and I have gone around on that one too - we each have our own way of loading the dishwasher, but the wine glasses get clean and stay intact both ways, so both ways must be ok.

Partly to give Papa some time with Mini-Me and partly to foster the non-mother side of my personality, I am taking a class this weekend that will go all day Saturday and Sunday. We'll see....

Taking a break

2008-05-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have needed a hiatus from blogging. I have been feeling a bit one-dimensional lately - it seems all I have to talk about is baby-related and all my time goes toward caring for her or maintaining the house. I went out dancing with a friend a few weeks ago, and he introduced me to some new people who, I'm sure, thought I was the biggest bore ever. Every time I heard myself talking about Mini-Me I was screaming "Shut up! Shut up!" in my head.

To address this, the following changes:
** less TV (thank goodness Dancing with the Stars is over!)
** no blogging here for a while
** more working out to get rid of leftover pregnancy fat
** housework when the baby is awake
** time spent in past pursuits when the baby is asleep - stained glass during naptimes, dancing in the evenings sometimes when she is out for the night
** considering (although probably not) a summer school teaching position

Already after a week I feel better, more like myself. Mini-Me is also getting better at playing by herself - she can sit up now, which means she can access a whole playmat of toys with only occasional logistical problems.

Also, Mini-Me has been sleeping through the night. I mean *really* sleeping through the night, not fussing between 4 and 6 AM while I lay in bed listening to her. I put her down between 8 and 9 PM, I sneak in and feed her without waking her up right before I go to bed (usually around 11), and I don't hear from her again until sometime between 6 and 7 AM. The only exception is when she breaks out of her swaddle - then there's fussing but she eventually gets herself back to sleep. That, more than anything, has helped me to feel more like myself! I actually get to be off-duty for a long stretch of time.

Round Two?

2008-05-09T20:56:00.001-07:00

PS - we are officially trying to get pregnant again. I had aspirations of getting back to my prepregnancy weight (and more importantly, prepregnancy shape and size) but alas, it is looking unlikely. Especially when I skip the gym instead of skipping desserts.

More Travel Tips

2008-05-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Boston visiting my parents - the first part of the trip it was just Mini-Me and me at my parents house, and it worked out very well - we each had our own room, and Mini-Me slept pretty well although she did have a few cry-it-out sessions around 5 AM.

The second part of the trip was a disaster - we were staying with Papa in a hotel room and Mini-Me slept really poorly, knowing we were in the same room. She woke up more often because of the unfamiliar noises (traffic etc) and didn't get back to sleep easily. Predictably, the plane flight home was terrible. I mean, the flight attendant took Mini-Me for a little walk to the first class cabin because I was rocking in my seat with my hands over my ears. Sleep deprivation is an ugly thing.

More tips, relating to hotel stays:

** If at all possible, get a two-room suite, or two rooms next to each other (we are doing this next week in Mexico). Otherwise put the crib in a closet or the bathroom or something.

** Bring an iPod with audiobooks in case you have to turn out all the lights at 7:30 when the baby goes to bed.

** Bring a tough laundry bag for your car seat so it doesn't get banged up when it is gate checked at the airport. Or least if little plastic parts get snapped off you can find them again (*sigh*).

** Airplane sick bags are great for wrapping up outfits if your little one happens to pee all over the place while being changed. Carrying a naked baby down the aisle back to your seat is slightly embarrassing.

More sleep saga

2008-05-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

(see earlier posting for the start of this whole mess)

Stage Seven:
Mini-Me goes back to gradually waking more and more often, until we are back to feeding 2-3 times a night and having a few crying sessions that last 10-60 minutes. We stay at a hotel in Boston and everyone sleeps poorly for three days. Something must be done.

Stage Eight:
Pediatrician insists that Mini-Me is both old enough and big enough to sleep safely through the night without being damaged. Advises me to turn off the baby monitor and don't go in at all between bedtime and 7 AM. Dr. S says the baby will be ravenous for the first few days as her metabolism adjusts so be prepared to feed her more in the first few hours of the day and watch for nap patterns shifting. I consult my therapist about my trepidation and we agree that I have tried everything else and I need to be getting more sleep if I am to be a competent caretaker.

So we tried it last night for the first time. My husband and I woke up at 4:25 this morning to the dulcet tones of her screaming and fussing. She got quiet and presumably fell asleep around 5:10. Will go in to get her at 7:00 as planned. No idea whether she was awake earlier in the night, which was kind of the point. And I got six hours of sleep! All at once!

Swaddling Trick

2008-05-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

It seems that most books and products out there assume that babies will only be swaddled for the first few months of life, but Mini-Me is over seven months old and she still benefits from being swaddled during naps and nighttime. This has gotten to be tricky as she has gotten older and bigger and stronger. With the next baby I plan to try the Miracle Blanket, but in the meantime I have learned a trick that is the same concept and has worked like a charm.

In the words of the person who shared this gem with me:

I swaddled my baby for a while much past her houdini stage. I never used fancy blankets. What I did was this: Triangle a blanket and put the long point down, place baby with head just above straight edge. Take one pointed corner and place over baby's arm, but then lift your baby and put the rest of the pointed side under baby's back. Do the same thing with the other side. At this point it will look like your baby has arm wraps and the majority of the blanket is underneath him/her. Then take a second blanket and put it over baby's belly, and wrap it under/around your baby. you can make the arms as loose or tight as you want. Good Luck!

And the very first time I tried it, Mini-Me napped for over three hours! She hasn't gotten out of it yet, though she has kicked the bottom part of the blanket off her feet.

Almost

2008-04-23T13:48:00.001-07:00

Today I was almost "that" mother who showed up at daycare, late, with her kid dressed in pajamas that say "Baby's First Christmas" on them.... even though it's April.

But I managed to change her into daytime clothes and was still only five minutes late to Pilates class.

Lean baby

2008-04-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

Papa doesn't like this photo of Mini-Me... he says it makes her look fat, which the therapist in me believes is him projecting his own issues with his weight onto her. It's true that she does have his chubby cheeks... but check out how lean the rest of her is!

Better living through telemetry

2008-04-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

I had an insomniac night recently and stumbled across Trixie Tracker, which, as one review writes, is like "crack for Type-A parents". I initially planned to use it just for sleep tracking, but I'm also monitoring nursing and solid food meals. I sent my parents a guest password, in an effort to avoid having to detail the baby's meals every time I call home. Here's the data I've got so far after three days of tracking Mini-Me's sleep. Blue is asleep, yellow is awake, and the grayscale bar at the top is a probability map of sleep patterns (black = 100% probability of asleep, white = 100% probability of awake).

The Sleep Saga

2008-04-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to check in and update about the sleep struggles and triumphs we have had lately, but I've waited so long at this point that it feels too long to detail... here's the summary:

Stage One: Mini-Me gradually gets less and less reliable at napping, and finally has a week with no naps at all. We are all exhausted and cranky. This kicks in around 4.5 months. A good friend lends us Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and we dig in eagerly.

Stage Two: We enact a rigid sleep schedule, making the following changes: sleeping and napping swaddled in the crib (no more swing), bedtime at 8, first nap within 90 minutes of waking up in the morning. We aim for naps at 9 AM, 1 PM, and 5 PM (just for an hour) if the first two naps go poorly.

Stage Three: Visiting friends in a tiny apartment with no crib. Mini-Me gradually starts waking up more frequently, and I nurse on demand so she won't wake everybody up. Growth spurt kicks in on last day and I am waking up every hour with her. Five days after we return home I end up severely sleep deprived and dysfunctional. Fall asleep standing up against a doorframe. Have abandonment dreams about the pediatrician. End up in her office in tears. She tells me it is time for Mini-Me to learn to sleep through the night. Dr. S. is my hero.

Stage Four: Sleep training start. New rules: bedtime at 8, dream feed at 11, no feeding after that. Do not reward baby for fussing with feeding. Let the baby cry for up to an hour, try to comfort her without picking her up if possible. Mini-Me is not happy but we stick with it. Pediatrician has promised progress after 3-4 days.

Stage Five: On fifth night of being kept up by baby crying all night, feel worse than before. Swear in the night about pediatrician being full of shit. Stick with it for five more days, but cheat and feed baby a few times in order to finally get back to sleep. Staying up late enough to do dream feed is getting harder and seems counterintuitive, denying myself sleep in order to get a good night's sleep later.

Stage Six: Decide to feed Mini-Me the first time she cries in the night, but not after. Mini-Me moves back to very reasonable pattern of feeding once in the night, usually sandwiched between two five-hour sleep shifts.

So, the even shorter version of this is that we tweaked the napping schedule, fixed it, and the nighttime schedule broke down. It took seven weeks for the whole cycle to right itself.

More travel tips

2008-04-03T07:53:00.001-07:00

We just got back from a week visiting friends in DC, with more observations about how to make it work with Mini-Me on the go:

* we were staying in very small quarters - sharing a one-bedroom apartment with dividing walls instead of doors. Having our own space and time was very important, so we implemented the tradition of the bedtime walk, just the two of us without our hosts. We also scheduled some morning naps in the lounge of the apartment building, with Mini-Me sleeping in her stroller and Mama playing computer games or reading.

* now that Mini-Me is "sleep trained", it is not so important where she sleeps as much as when. We got off cycle when we flew in and it took about two days to recover, but after that, she would nap pretty much wherever we plopped her down - packing box, swing, stroller, on the bed - as long as we watched for signs of tiredness. The new rule of thumb is: go by the baby or by the clock, whichever comes first.

* the inclusion of a spoon in the restaurant toys buys us about a half an hour during meals out. We carried an extra lanyard and slipknotted it around Mini-Me's spoon so it wouldn't end up on the floor. Spoon-banging on the table may be annoying to the people sitting around you, but it is at least cuter than fussing and crying.

* we flew with the stroller and car seat for the first time. I imagine different airlines have different policies, but on Jetblue infants flying get a stroller and car seat checked for free, even if they are lap infants. Get claim checks for both right when you get to the gate so you can pre-board without delay. You have to collapse the stroller yourself at the end of the jetway right before you get on the plane. Click all the car seat straps together to make sure nothing is loose. Also you have to send the car seat and stroller through the X-ray machine, so if your Mini-Me is sleeping in it when you go through the security line you are out of luck.

Despite the difficulties (and the fact that Mini-Me had her six month growth spurt our last night there) we had a great trip. Our friends got along with Mini-Me really well, and Mama enjoyed getting to hand her for meals or a leisurely shower.

Sharing

2008-03-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

After a very social evening in which Mini-Me was pushed to her limits, and a car ride home full of bickering, Papa announced that he would handle bedtime with Mini-Me tonight. I fixed him a bottle, laid out the swaddling stuff the way I always do it, and left them to it. It feels very unsettling to be sharing this ritual with him, because it's always been my job. It seems childish to get hung up on claiming bedtime as my domain - sure, Mini-Me's care is my full-time job, but she is our kid, after all. In thinking about it, I realized that I feel usurped and a little fearful that I can be easily replaced in Mini-Me's life. Rationally, I know it's silly, but I just don't feel like sharing sometimes.

It's unfair to Papa - this morning, when Mini-Me woke me up before I was ready and the cat jumped all over me after spilling all my stuff off the night table and I felt put-upon by every member of this household, he listened to how I was doing and acknowledged that I'm feeling stretched too thin. Taking bedtime off my hands should be a treat, right?

I think I'll go play in the stained glass studio for a while and see if that helps.

Looking back

2008-03-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

A pair of very good friends had a baby about a week ago. After the initial phone call that first day, I waited impatiently to call them since I wanted to hear all the details of the labor and birth and the first week home. With the three of them on my mind all week, I have been thinking back to that first week we brought Mini-Me home: how new everything was, how perfect the baby was, how lucky we felt in our new family. Every new phase with Mini-Me is better than the last, but there is something magic about bringing the new baby home that fades after the first few weeks. That's when sleep deprivation sets in, the phone stops ringing, and the supply of frozen meals gives out.

Welcome to the world, Elizabeth!

Sleep mess continued

2008-03-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, it only took a few days to straighten out Mini-Me's nap schedule - she now goes down, easily in her crib, at 9 AM and 1 PM and sometimes around 4:30 or 5 depending on how the other naps go. Bedtime at 8 PM, and we usually go out for a walk during that last hour to distract her and keep her awake.

She's been in a much better mood with this new sleep schedule; I, unfortunately, have been having a harder time. With the new earlier bedtime, I have been losing sleep since I still stay awake until 10 or 11. Also Mini-Me has added a second feeding in the nighttime (I assume as a result of the shift in sleep schedule), and even though she's barely awake for 15 minutes of feeding and burping, the interruptions in my own sleep are just killing me. I went from getting two rounds of five hours to three rounds of three hours, and the difference has had a real effect on my energy and my mood.

At 6:30 this morning, the baby started fussing, the cat started knocking things off tables to get some attention, and my husband rolled over to cuddle me which resulted in his CPAP machine blowing a blast of cold air down my neck. Between the three of them I am feeling overneeded and dragged down.

Fortunately Mini-Me and I are traveling this week to see some friends cross-country, and I think the break will do us some good.

I will consult the sleep book about how to eliminate a nighttime feeding, and implement that when we are back from our trip.

The mess we've gotten into

2008-03-15T20:06:00.001-07:00

If I could do it all again, I would read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child from cover to cover while I was still pregnant. I am blessed since Mini-Me settled very quickly into a totally acceptable sleeping pattern at night: 4-6 hours of sleep, a round of nursing and rocking that lasted anywhere from ten minutes to one hour, then another 4-6 hours of sleep. Naps have been haphazard, which has been the growing problem for the last month or two. The swing, which was always my failsafe, has even stopped working, and now I'm feeling totally stuck, exhausted, guilty for not doing better, and resentful because Mini-Me takes, at best, ineffective naps most of the time now. It seems like a two hour nap is a matter of luck over anything else.

So, I've been flipping through the book and so far a few points have stuck out:
* the book has given me the courage to let Mini-Me cry for longer periods of time (we had a disastrous experiment with "cry-it-out" a few months ago and I've been hesitant to take the hard line on this since then.)
* we will all be happier and healthier if we establish a structure of naptimes, all happier and healthier except me, who feels resentful that my schedule will be slave to Mini-Me's naptimes
* according to the author, daytime and nighttime sleep are different parts of the brain, so whipping naptimes into shape does not mean that I have to ditch the nighttime routine, which has almost always worked very well.

So my project for the week: schedule around naptimes for a whole week, let Mini-Me cry (for up to an hour if she goes that long), spend the time in my stained glass studio without the monitor turned on, so I can't hear her. Look forward to getting a shower every day.

Since Mini-Me normally naps (or, used to nap) in her swing, I'll keep her in the swing this week - we are visiting friends in a few weeks, and she will probably sleep in a swing there full-time. Will transition her to the crib when we get back.

All this concern about sleep training while dealing with a fussy baby has made me cranky and sad.

Pregnancy according to XKCD.com

2008-03-12T09:04:00.001-07:00

Time alone

2008-03-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

It's been almost six months, and still I hesitate when it's time to turn around and walk out of the childcare center at the gym, leaving Mini-Me in someone else's arms. And as grateful as I am for the Sunday afternoons when Mini-Me and Papa go off together and give me some time alone, the sheer stillness in the house when I'm here all by myself is a little overwhelming.

Pumping tricks

2008-03-07T06:00:00.001-08:00

When I was visiting my parents a few weeks ago, I started having problems with pumping. I knew my breast was full, but I couldn't get more than a few drops out with the pump I was using. I was frustrated and concerned for about a week, which made the problem worse, I'm sure.

The books all say it's helpful to keep a photo of your baby close by if you pump at work. I was surprised by how effective visualization was for me - I could go from dry to spurting in less than a minute. Since I never seem to get engorged anymore the way I used to, these things keep me able to pump almost the same volume as I did before:

* having Mini-Me close by while pumping, particularly when she's in a good mood.
* photos of Mini-Me, especially when she's looking at the camera
* photos of me nursing Mini-Me
* video of Mini-Me
* imagining the feeling of her weight on my arm and the pinch as she latches on while nursing

If I did have to pump at an office location, I think I would have my husband video us nursing over my shoulder, so the camera sees what I see.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-02-25T09:30:00.001-08:00

With sadness I finally bit the bullet and canceled my membership at the climbing gym today, after almost eight years of continuous membership. Climbing with baby in tow just got to be too difficult, since I had to plan around meeting up with someone who is Mini-Me-friendly for bouldering, and two people (one to belay, one to babysit) in order to climb the tall walls. Like so many, I found my monthly fee divided over fewer and fewer trips to the gym until it was clear it would be cheaper to pay by the visit rather than by the month.

Good news, though, another Mama in my neighborhood has pointed me towards a gym that has loads of classes, free parking, and childcare. It will be a new phase in motherhood, leaving Mini-Me with total strangers, but I am determined to get myself back in shape and I think it will be good for Mini-Me to get used to being around other people. I've learned over the past month or so that I need to have some accountability if I am going to manage regular workouts, so paying for classes on a schedule will help, I hope.

Another thing that has changed my perspective about being out and about with Mini-Me is our new Ergo carrier. At first I was just excited that I had the newest gadget like all the other Mamas on the block, but after using it for a few weeks I am totally hooked. I'm so glad I got it before our trip cross-country too, because it was a terrific help at the airport to have both hands free and Mini-Me secure as I juggled luggage, boarding passes, laptop, and shoes at the security line.

Mini-Me turns five months tomorrow, and one of our new things for March is solid food (!). Rice cereal is the first step...

My internet dream

2008-02-19T03:21:00.000-08:00

I dream of finding a spot like Yelp! that has listing just for parents with kids. If I were not so busy and exhausted from having a kid I would start one myself. It would specifically review restaurants on their changing facilities, wait times, and waitstaff attitudes about breastfeeding. It would review gyms on their childcare staff and facilities instead of whether people wipe their sweat off the weights machines. I would use it to find out where the best used clothes stores are so I could buy hats from Hanna Andersson for under $5.

I haven't been able to get back to sleep after mid-night nursing. Since I am at my parents' house, I am not too worried about it because I know I can get a nap later in the day while they play with the baby. I am sitting here thinking about how much I am yearning for family support when I am at home. Not only am I sad that my parents and my darling offspring can't be closer, but I do envy my friends who get to go to the gym whenever they want because they have a cadre of people to call over to watch the baby. (My mother-in-law has offered to do this but she knows that we are not entirely comfortable with this because of her mobility issues, and somewhat because her cognition slips here and there. She does provide me with great help every week or so, but it only allows me to get things done around the house since we don't leave Mini-Me alone with her.)

Good things about visiting Grandma and Grandpa

2008-02-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

* being able to eat with both hands
* being able to crochet, which requires both hands
* being able to nap without worrying about whether I can hear the baby
* not having to change messy diapers
* having home-cooked meals and not having to clean up!
* getting treated to a massage with childcare
* being back in Dunkin' Donuts territory

So far we have had a great visit, despite arriving at 6 AM after a red-eye flight. Mini-Me was in a terrific mood, all smiles for my parents, and dutifully performed all her favorite tricks (rolling over, giggling with us, putting her pacifier in her mouth all by herself). I'm not entirely sure how she will know it is nighttime because she took a five-hour nap after the flight and slept until 1. Just when the sleep problems were starting to get ironed out...

The Sleep Saga, Part Two

2008-02-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

After a miserable week of experimenting, I have come to the conclusion that Mini-Me is too young for any sort of tough-it-out sleep training. She gets upset, then ramps up to full-on hysterical and can't calm down on her own. I read Harvey Karp's stuff about sleep in Happiest Baby on the Block and we're back to swaddling, cuddling, and nursing before naps and bedtime. The changes we are making right now: trying to catch naptime earlier, before we get to the eye-rubbing cranky stage, and putting Mini-Me in her crib while she is still just slightly awake rather than completely conked out.

So far so good. For the last few days she has been able to fall asleep in her crib by herself for naps, and when that doesn't work we use the swing. We are visiting my parents this week, and she went down for three naps today, all in an unfamiliar crib, and did fine. I am crossing my fingers that this is a turning point.

I only have eyes for you

2008-02-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

In today's mail there were two envelopes from my parents. One was a birthday card for my husband. The other was a valentine for Mini-Me. I got nuthin'.

Graduation

2008-02-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

So, Mini-Me has graduated from the 5 S's and now she resists swaddling and fusses every time she is left alone and suspects that she is supposed to nap. I had aspirations of never ever using the "cry-it-out" method of sleep training, but here we are. I planned to use the morning nap time to mow the lawn, so I wouldn't have to sit here listening to her wail, but I can't bring myself to go out of earshot just yet. I tell myself I am helping her learn a new skill. Plan to read Babywise as soon as possible to learn the how-to's of getting Mini-Me on a more structured feeding and napping schedule. As I was lying in bed at 3 in the morning waiting for baby to fall asleep, I thought of all the things I would be able to do if I knew I would have a given block of time when I was not on duty with her, whether because she was sleeping or because I was letting her work naptime out for herself.

I told my mother what I was doing, expecting a critical answer about letting Mini-Me cry, and she told me that when she and Dad did that with me, she sat outside my door and cried listening to me.

Missing the Old Me Part 4

2008-02-08T18:06:00.000-08:00

So, I had to suck it in and I have an unattractive muffin top, but I was able to get into my favorite prepregnancy jeans this evening! According to the scale I weigh the same, but with climbing and occasional workouts at home, maybe I'm finally replacing the fat with a bit of muscle. And I remember the midwives telling me to add four pounds onto my prepregnancy weight to account for increase in breast tissue.

The numbers on the scale don't really matter that much to me, but it is really nice to be able to wear my old clothes. I still have a pile of "wish clothes", mostly pants that don't fit yet, but the jeans are a start!

How we know it's naptime

2008-02-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sleep

2008-01-31T07:35:00.001-08:00

I read in some book that pediatricians define "sleeping through the night" as sleeping for five hours... impressive for a newborn, perhaps, but not nearly acceptable to most healthy human beings. (They also said that many parents who say their babies sleep through the night don't realize that the babies wake up and put themselves back to sleep without waking the parents up.)

Midnight to 7:30 AM (and counting), though, that's something... not a bad accomplishment for a four-month-old!

How weekends work

2008-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Papa has been traveling a lot these last few months, and this weekend, after an entire week away, he was home and eager to spend time with me and the baby. By Sunday, I found I needed a little down time, so I was looking forward to a little gardening and sun while the baby napped in the afternoon. Papa kept trying to change our plan, always suggesting some activity that involved waking the baby up - going for a walk together, running errands together, etc. We bickered about it, and I thought more about the meaning of naptime while I was deadheading the roses and Papa was off doing errands.

When he came back, what I explained to him was this: he has a job which is basically Monday-Friday. On the weekends, he could catch up on work if he was behind, but typically it was his time to plan as he wished. This is why he gets annoyed at me for nagging him to mow the lawn on the weekends.

My job taking care of Mini-Me is 24/7, and my "weekends" are scattered about in 1-3 hour chunks while she naps. This is why I was so opposed to waking her up to run errands - not only was I doing housework during her naptime (ie working on the weekend) but I would be giving up the day's last chunk of time where I could decide for myself how I wanted to spend it.

Papa seemed nonplussed when I explained this to him, as if it wasn't new information for him, but it was a good metaphor for me to consider, and made me feel less guilty about goofing off playing computer games during naptime instead of folding laundry.

Perspectives

2008-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

We all went to a housewarming party this weekend, hosted by the new neighbors across the street. One of the couple is a pediatric psychiatrist, so many of the guests were work colleagues - NICU nurses and so on. It was telling, because usually people who meet Mini-Me comment about how cute she is, how alert she is, or something like that. Almost universally, people at this party came up with comments like "Oh, she looks so healthy!" and "Her cheeks are so nice and rosy." Another case of what you see is based on where you're sitting...

Missing the Old Me, Part Three

2008-01-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

About four years ago, I quit a stressful job and started a full-time life of self-employment. I also started going to kickboxing classes, climbing a few times a week, and developed a crush on a cute trainer who encouraged me to start hitting the grown-up weights. Eventually I went back to my roots as a martial artist, sparring with him a few times a week. I loved feeling sore and slightly battered, I loved knowing that I was lifting more weights than many of the guys I saw at the gym, and I was totally badass.

I gained 38 pounds during pregnancy. Twenty-five pounds magically melted away, between the birth itself and the first six weeks of postpartum. And I've been stuck at 156, twelve pounds heavier than I started and twenty-four pounds heavier than my best fighting weight.

Post-partum has humbled me. I remember going to a mother's group when Mini-Me was six weeks ago, wearing maternity jeans and noticing that another mother, with a ten-week-old infant, was wearing maternity jeans also. "Not me," I thought to myself, "I'm going to be in my old clothes quicker than that."

I let my frustration slip at Pilates class last week, when the instructor gave me that old line about "it takes nine months to gain the weight, give yourself nine months to lose it". "Not me," I retorted jokingly, "that's fine for everyone else."

I started recording workouts on the DVR, and today I got a few sets of dumbbells at Target and actually started working out. Mini-Me was amused for about 30 minutes while she sat in her swing watching me jump around the room like an idiot, but finally I put her down for a late-evening nap (bad idea) and did two more programs.

I did feel like an idiot. I'm sure I did look stupid. But I also did work up a sweat, and I did feel muscles burning. I'll keep it up for a week and see how I feel. The routine I did tonight is one episode of "Body Electric" and two episodes of "Denise Austin's Daily Workout", skipping commercials. It's dorky, but if it works (and no one sees me doing it) I don't care.

Travel tips

2008-01-22T20:41:00.001-08:00

Lessons learned from this weekend's trip to Minneapolis:

* even if the baby feels warm enough, her face will probably get chapped outdoors when it is below freezing all the time

* if you suspect she will need a swing in order to sleep properly, deal with it ahead of time rather than slogging through 24 hours of fussing and bad sleep before hitting Craig's List to get a used swing

* pick a nursing spot before you go to bed and learn where all the light switches are so you're not stumbling down unfamiliar stairs with a squirmy baby in the dark

* lace-up boots are hard enough at the airport security line, but even more difficult when you're wearing the baby in a sling

* pre-boarding the airplane rocks!

Parenting goals 2008

2008-01-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been hooked on a blog called To-Do List, and the most recent posting is someone's list of parenting aspirations for 2008:
http://todolistblog.blogspot.com/2008/01/parenting-aspirations-2008.html

Good sleeping

2008-01-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

For three nights in a row now, Mini-Me has slept in a pattern I'm growing really fond of: five hours between 10 PM and 3 AM and another five hours between 4 AM and 9 AM. The hour in between is just the right amount of time for feeding her, changing her diaper, rocking her back to sleep, and pumping breastmilk before I go back to bed. Plus she's been taking a good nap in her swing every morning that runs from one to three hours. I feel like a brand new person.

Yesterday I ran into a father with a six-week-old baby in a bookstore. I asked him how it was going, and he shook his head. "Not well," he said. "We're dying from lack of sleep." I remember a turning point when my body suddenly started dealing well with the amount of sleep I was getting. It's not that we all get enough sleep, but it's astounding how little sleep we seem to need after a period of adjustment...

Teddy Bears' Picnic

2008-01-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

Mini-Me has been really into cheery songs lately, which helps to cheer me up but makes me completely manic after a week of having "Teddy Bears' Picnic" stuck in my head.

If you go into the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.
If you go into the woods today, you better go in disguise.
'Cause every bear that ever there was
Is gathered there for certain because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

If you go into the woods today, you'd better not go alone.
It's lovely out in the woods today, but you're better off safe at home.
'Cause every bear that ever there was
Is gather there together because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

Picnic time for teddy bears!
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares
And see them picnic on their holiday.

See them gaily gad about!
They love to play and shout, they never have any cares.
At six o'clock their mommies and daddies come take them home to bed
Because they're tired little teddy bears.

Our other favorites: Accentuate the Positive and The Ballad of Casey McPhee.

Baby Math: percentiles

2008-01-12T11:51:00.002-08:00

I overheard a comment in Mommy/Baby Pilates class this week that made the math teacher in me want to cry:

"Well, the pediatrician seemed worried - he said our baby is at the 50th percentile for weight. I don't know if we can get her up to 100%, but we're sure going to do our best!"

I was so proud of my husband, who is not-so-much a math geek but understood why this was both sad and funny when I told him about it.

Ok, so just to clarify about percents and percentiles:
percent describes a proportion compared to the number 100. If you took a test and got half the questions right, you would have 50%, whether it meant scoring 10/20, 4/8, or 125/250.

percentile describes a value compared to a normal distribution. If a baby is at 20th %ile in weight, it means that it is *normal* for 20 out of 100 babies to weigh the same or less at that age. A baby whose weight is at the 50th %ile is exactly at the population average for babies that age. And a mother who succeeds in fattening her child up the 100th %ile now has a kid who is heavier than *every* other baby that age!

Riddle me this:

2008-01-12T11:51:00.001-08:00

How does a less-than-12 pound creature generate an entire load of laundry in under 45 minutes? Why, by spitting up all over herself, Mama, and her blankets... twice!

Mini-Me's first Christmas

2008-01-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

We traveled across the country with Mini-Me, and it wasn't that bad. I recommend getting an aisle seat near the back - the plane will be emptier at the back, and there is better access to flight attendants and bathrooms. The changing table in the airplane beats any I've seen in a restaurant so far. (I'd like to start a review website, similar to Yelp.com, that focuses just on the baby-friendliness of restaurants. In general I've been positively surprised by the attitudes of waitstaff and negatively surprised by the condition/lack of changing space in the restrooms.)

Mini-Me was having a bad reflux day when we left for our red-eye flight, so she'd already spit up on one outfit and two bibs before we even got to the airport. She arrived at my parents' house at 6 AM, cheerful but soggy and sour-smelling. My mother plopped her right in the kitchen sink for the first of many baths that week. (My mother seemed a little obsessed with the baby being clean; my father confirms she was this neurotic with me and my sister too.) So the baby finished up the week very clean but a little chapped.

It was interesting watching Mini-Me train my parents over the course of the week. My father emerged as the more intuitive soother of the pair of them, and my mother took some cues from me and from him so that by the end of the week, they were both great with Mini-Me in awake mode and overtired mode. My mother was especially good at eliciting talking and cooing. Toward the end of the week, my husband and I left the baby with them and went out for dinner just the two of us, which hadn't happened since Mini-Me was born. We had fun, but I was distracted and anxious about how things were going at home, so we only stayed out a few hours. We were all grateful to be back home in our usual routine after a week away, but Mini-Me was a champ with all the schlepping around and in all the flight wasn't that much harder than pre-baby.

Today's bottle-training stats

2007-12-18T11:49:00.001-08:00

So, I have solved the milk storage problem, but now we have a bottle-feeding problem. Mini-Me wants none of it, especially when she knows she is close to the tap. This may take a while.

2.5 ounces of milk, 18 minutes of hysteria & protest, 5 minutes from starting to drink to finish line.

Guess who slept through the night?

2007-12-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

All of us! 10:30-5 is a new record for Mini-Me. I woke up confused and very engorged, but feeling that the sleep did me a lot of good, especially since I am fighting off a cold.

I have solved the spoiled milk/lipase problem. Scalding the milk in the microwave, then chilling it in the fridge, has yielded milk that stays sweet at least 24 hours and doesn't separate as quickly. (I tried scalding it on the stovetop too but it tasted a bit funny.) Mini-Me is a bit out of practice with a bottle, after 2-3 weeks off, but we are slowly reintroducing it. Yesterday it came down to a battle of wills, and I won out after about ten minutes of her screaming and shrieking at me. The other mothers and nannies in the park looked at me like I sticking pins into her but eventually she gave in and drank the whole 3 ounces without further complaint. And I started pumping into glass bottles, so the milk can go from pump to microwave to fridge to baby without having to get trasnferred into other containers.

We are preparing for our first plane flight with Mini-Me, as we are visiting my parents for Christmas. It's a little amazing how much gear and crap such a small being needs!

Socks, revisited

2007-12-13T11:48:00.001-08:00

I found socks that stay on and don't cost $25 a pair: tube socks from BabyGap. We got a few pairs of striped, but the white ones stay on even better. Get them one size larger.

Breastmilk mystery solved?

2007-12-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

After weeks of agonizing over the sour breastmilk problem, and an embarrassingly short amount of time researching sour breastmilk on the Internet, I discovered that some women produce an excess of an enzyme called lipase, which breaks down fat in breastmilk to make it more digestible. It also accelerates the decomposition of the milk, so it sours and spoils faster. Basically the lipase starts digesting the fat in the milk, so by the time it gets to the baby the fat (which is what makes it taste so good) is all gone.

Now that I have started to see my milk production increase and I have a little more to play with, I've experimented with microwaving some pumped milk to scald it, which is supposed to stop the process of souring. I will taste it twelve hours after storing to see if it tastes better than unscalded milk, and then (the ultimate test) will try giving it to Mini-Me in a bottle for bedtime. She is struggling with the bottle a bit, after two weeks off, but she drank freshly pumped milk from a bottle today after getting started with a little from the original source.

Apparently if I scald the milk before I store it (either fridge or freezer) it will taste better, though the milk will lose some of the immune system benefits. This doesn't concern me, since we are mostly breastfeeding Mini-Me, with pumped/frozen milk to use for an occasional babysitter or when Papa takes over bedtime. I have discovered today, though, that scalding it on the stovetop rather than in the microwave keeps some of the nutritional and immunological properties of the milk intact, so I'll start doing that instead of microwaving it.

No room for dark humor

2007-12-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

On Day 3 of Mini-Me being a pill after her shots, I walked in the door after trying to settle her down with a walk around the neighborhood. When I got home, I was exhausted, she was screaming and squirming, and Papa made up a little song to try to cheer me up:

If you're not good to Mummy,
I'll tell you what we'll do
We'll put you in your bear costume
And give you to the zoo.

If you're not nice to Mummy,
We'll put you in a pack
We'll cover it with postage stamps,
And we will send you back!

Unfortunately, it's not the kind of song you want to be overheard muttering while you walk around Babies'R'Us. It's the type of humor that may only be funny if you've been there, recently.

Shots and pills

2007-12-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

Mini-Me got her first round of shots on Friday, and she has been a major pill ever since - maybe they forgot to give her the twerp vaccination.

Really, most of the time I am more sympathetic, but I have been short lately after much inconsolable shrieking, constant feeding and clinginess, and sleep in one-hour shots for three days. Thank goodness the sweet temperament is starting to come back.

The timing of this is particularly terrible, since for the past week my milk supply has been inadequate and I am trying to bulk up. I decided a few days ago to go off the Pill and to start taking Fenugreek, in the hopes that it will up my production a little more. Add to it that I had to throw out my entire stash of frozen milk and now I'm trying to get ahead, and it translates to a real toll on my body and mind.

Fortunately, Mini-Me is just getting to the point where she can entertain herself. She is starting to enjoy time on the toy mat, and has been hanging out alone in her swing, awake, for the past two hours, staring at a toy that I hung from the top of the swing.

Before Mini-Me was born, I spent a lot of time looking for a pediatrician who is flexible about vaccinations, since I did not want to be locked into the CDC's guidelines for baby immunizations. This is what we decided to do:

Hep B - skip until required for school or until age 10
Chicken Pox - may skip until school age as long as Papa can get vaccinated
Rotavirus - skipping entirely
Hib and DTaP @ two months
IPV and PCV @ three months
Hib and DTaP @ four months
IPV and PCV @ five months...

and so on.

I found this book particularly helpful when I was investigating immunizations.

Breastfeeding in public

2007-12-05T11:45:00.001-08:00

Looking back the past ten weeks, here are some of the stranger places I've fed the baby:
* in a changing room at Old Navy
* with the groom's bachelor party at a wedding
* in the back row of seats at same wedding
* on the floor of the climbing gym
* in a comfy leather chair in the "as-is" section of IKEA

Back on the wall

2007-12-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

Went climbing today for the first time since 36 weeks pregnant... that makes... 14 weeks off. Have lost a lot of strength, most noticeably in my fingers. Have also lost all my callouses, which I'm sure will come back quickly. My climbing partner and I bouldered, since we didn't have a third person to help us with baby care. Mini-Me was great at the gym - interested in looking around, non-fussy, completely fine with being handed back and forth as we tried out different bouldering problems. A good omen.

Socks, an exercise in futility

2007-12-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

How can it be that we live in such a technologically advanced world and yet no one can invent socks that will stay on Mini-Me's feet?

2007-12-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, Mini-Me told me she was hungry by grasping my thumb and middle finger in her two hands, and, with an intense look of concentration on her face, guiding my index finger into her mouth. I am convinced I have given birth to the smartest person on the planet.

Cost of Baby, Part Two

2007-11-30T11:43:00.000-08:00

Today I got an itemized bill for a particularly large portion of my hospital stay. Some notes:

Although I was given a manual breast pump along with a diaper bag, with the nurses acting as if they were both free, I was charged $72 for a breast pump that was exactly like the one I had at home... which cost me $35 at Babies'R'Us.

Each dose of 400 mg of Ibuprofen cost $15.36.

I shouldn't complain - my insurance paid for almost all of the $16,000 bill (96.5%, for those of us who are quantitative). And as a former medical social worker, I shouldn't be that surprised about charges that seem ridiculous to me. But geez! what a messed up system. I think health care will probably be the issue that influences me most in the upcoming presidential election.

Crying over spoilt milk

2007-11-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

In order to give me a bit of a break and give Papa some time with Mini-Me, I suggested a few days ago that Papa take over bedtime for a while. He could do the last nighttime feeding via bottle. The first night was a disaster - baby wouldn't take the bottle, couldn't be soothed, and finally she and Papa both fell asleep, exhausted, on the floor of the nursery.

Last night I wanted to use up the milk I thawed for Papa the night before, so instead of breastfeeding her I tried to give her a bottle for a mid-night feeding. She shrieked, fussed, and generally refused. I suspected either a problem with the nipple or the milk, and decided to sort it out in the morning.

Today I tasted the milk in the bottle, and almost retched. This was milk that I had frozen on 10/31, less than a month ago. The scientist in me realized I was not keeping good track of how many days the milk sat in the fridge before it got frozen, meaning I didn't know how many days it could sit in the fridge after being frozen. Plan to figure out a notation system to fix this problem. Also will stop storing milk in the fridge uncovered (in the pump - much easier than fussing with transferring it to another container at 3 in the morning).

I feel incredibly guilty for trying to feed the baby spoilt milk (twice) and concerned and upset about the possibility that *all* the milk I have stored in the freezer may be spoilt too. Until I figure out the problem, new house policy is that Papa or I taste the milk right before it goes to the baby, every time. Also I'll start tasting the milk before I start putting it in the freezer.

I've been weighing Mini-Me at a local baby resource center, since my pediatrician and I are concerned about MM's weight gain slowing down as a result of reflux. I was relieved, right after we started using the medication, that her gain had picked up to 1.5 oz/day, which is what it was during the first month of her life. So you can imagine my surprise when yesterday I discovered she had only gained 1.5 ounces in the entire past two weeks.

I'm not quite paranoid about it to keep a nursing journal yet, but I am going to pay more attention to what times I feed Mini-Me and how long we go between feedings. I hadn't noticed her nursing dropping off, but my husband commented that it seemed we were having feeding sessions less often. Also new plan is to try to feed her on both sides every time. I tried that today, but she kept falling asleep after her first course...

The Cost of a Baby ($24,500-$42,000)

2007-11-29T11:39:00.000-08:00

Or: "The stupid health-care system that will cause my wonderful community hospital to be closed."

I have a good friend who had a baby eight months before I did. Her labor story and mine were very different. She was induced on the evening of Day 1, was on IV pitocin etc. until evening of Day 3, and finally had a C-section later that night. She was released from the hospital on the afternoon of Day 5. She was in very painful labor during Days 2 and 3.

I went to the hospital already fully dilated in the early morning of Day 1, gave birth vaginally four hours later, and was released in the afternoon of Day 3. Mini-Me needed a pediatric appointment on Day 4 and labs on Days 4 and 5 because of jaundice.

My friend's labor and birth, before insurance, cost $42,000. Mine cost $24,500.

The hospital I went to for my birth is a community hospital which is known in the city for supporting natural birth (ie no drugs or interventions whenever possible), has the lowest C-section rate in the city, and has a high proportion of Latino and uninsured patients. The hospital has a strong midwife program and tends to attract low-risk pregnancies.

The big hospital across town, which has a much higher proportion of (white, and) insured patients, is also the default hospital for high-risk cases in the city. At one point they had a policy restricting or barring doulas from births because of a single case where a doula interfered with a patient's care in an inappropriate way. The two hospitals are part of the same medical center.

My little hospital is not profitable. The other hospital is. And it appears that my hospital will be closed sometime in the next 1-3 years. Which really sucks. It is so troublesome to me that a hospital with a reputation for providing such good care for pregnant women is going to be closed, especially since a big part of their excellent care is avoiding interventions that may be unnecessary and potentially unhealthy for laboring women.

...like riding a bike

2007-11-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

I rode my motorcycle today for the first time in almost a year. Man! did it feel good. An hour and twenty miles along the beach on a gorgeous day does wonders for my psyche...

2007-11-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

I tend to make decisions slowly, and for the past few weeks I've been mulling over whether to begin working again in January. It would take some effort to re-open my practice and build up a clientele, but my husband would be able to take the baby on Sunday afternoons while I work with clients. It wasn't the immediate plan for me to go back to work; living on one income has proven to be too little.

I've been up with Mini-Me from 2 AM until now, 5 AM, trying to get her back to sleep as she fussed. With only three hours of sleep already tonight, I was having difficulty tolerating her fussing, and found myself getting angrier and more resentful the longer I struggled with her.

It gave me some time for contemplation, and I finally came up with this:
I'm not really getting any meaningful relief from Mini-Me's care. My husband takes her out for a few hours at a time, but it's usually when she's already sleeping or in a good mood, and it doesn't do a whole lot to help me recuperate from being on duty 24-7. I'll be damned if I'm going to carve 6-8 hours out of my week to take on clients. The last thing I feel like doing is committing to taking care of anybody else. Maybe I'll be ready for it in March or in the fall when Mini-Me is weaned, when I'm getting more sleep, when something changes, but right now I just can't imagine how restarting my job will be healthy for me.

I'm writing this down now, while I'm thinking of it, because after I'm less angry and I've had more sleep, I may forget that I already feel like "butter scraped across too much bread".

Baby's a swinger

2007-11-17T11:37:00.000-08:00

Thank the gods for the portable swing lent to us a few weeks ago. Mini-Me has had a few really tough days lately - as far as I can tell it's tummy troubles, which means hours of writhing, shrieking, desperate attempts at feeding and occasional projectile vomiting. Even though I feel I should stick with her and have her calm down and gently fall asleep in my arms, the fact of the matter is that plopping her in her swing and leaving her to chill by herself is the best solution I've found yet.

I've been grappling with an interesting problem lately: I take care of Mini-Me pretty much full-time, including almost all feedings (bottle or breast), all nighttime wakings, etc. My husband is home on weekends and in the evenings, and he has been taking her out with him for a few hours at a time, but when we are both home I am the default baby-care. Papa also travels for business, so Mini-Me and I are alone together at least a few nights a week.

Today (and last weekend, come to think of it) I got Mini-Me calmed down after a feeding, and Papa wanted to cuddle with her for a while, maybe settle down for a nap together. And Mini-Me started fussing, eventually ramping up into full-on hysteria which required popping her on the breast for a while and an hour of rocking until she finally fell asleep. What I struggle with: when to intervene, if at all, when Papa and Mini-Me are having a hard time connecting. I spend so much time with her, of course I have some expertise in soothing her, but I don't want to undermine Papa's bonding time with her. And I can't stand it when I can hear her crying like that, especially when I have ideas about how to help and Papa doesn't want to hear them. Sometimes I've coped by getting snappish, sometimes by taking Mini-Me and soothing her myself, sometimes by leaving the house or going to a sound-proof place to wait it out.

I would never be concerned about my husband deliberately hurting the baby, but how much crying and hysteria would it take to be traumatic? Is it more important that Papa figure it out for himself, or more important that baby gets soothed more quickly? How much of this is about protecting my husband's ego and how much is really about needing to feel like my time and effort with the baby have value? Papa's best interests or baby's? Or are they the same thing? Need to mull this over and talk to my husband about it more. This is where a trusted cadre of mommies would be a helpful sounding board!

Better

2007-11-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

As before, sun and some solid sleep make the mood funk go away. Found a super-duper playground in the city today. Fun to see so many parents and kids of all sizes.

Low, low, low

2007-11-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

Feeling isolated, bored and unappreciated today. Husband and I have been bickering and completely missing each other communication-wise, lately. Went for a walk together, came home feeling worse than when I left. At least Mini-Me has stopped shrieking - medicine must have kicked in. Last night I pulled her into bed with me, and we got six hours of sleep in two shifts, an improvement..

Honesty: Best Policy (not!)

2007-11-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

I've been making the rounds of mother's groups lately, and I must say, I've met a lot of weird looking babies in the last few weeks. I think mine is cute as a button, of course, but I wonder whether I would ever know if people thought she were odd looking. Like that boyfriend I dated when I first moved here - all my friends thought he was unstable but no one said anything until a year ago, ten years after I dumped him...

We all smell like vomit

2007-11-12T11:34:00.000-08:00

So, Mini-Me is on medication for reflux, as the pediatrician agreed that her symptoms matched up with reflux and we saw a decrease in her weight gain in the two weeks before the appointment. Since we've started on Zantac, there's been less fussing, and it seems like there's been more frequent spit-ups but they're not as voluminous and not as curdsy.

Mini-Me stopped sleeping in nice 4-6 hour stretches at night and started waking up every 1-2 hours. I attributed this to the fact that she doesn't exhaust herself fussing in the afternoon, but my friend the family doc informed me that Mini-Me is due for a growth spurt right around now (she'll be seven weeks in a few days) and she is feeding constantly to increase my milk supply to meet her new demand. Cool biology, but I am already starting to unravel after two nights of sleep in one-hour chunks. Hopefully she'll settle down in the next few days.

Oversensitive

2007-11-12T11:33:00.000-08:00

It bugs me when my mother-in-law calls Mini-Me "our baby". I did all the work before she was born and I'm doing most of the work now!

Also, it bugs me that the baby smiles at her Papa, her grandmother, and the housecleaner but not at me.

Duh

2007-11-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

It only took me how many weeks to figure it out? The cottage cheesy spit-up, the crying and fussing and squirming, the hiccups, needing to sleep semi-inclined? Baby has reflux! There are other signs too - we see the pediatrician tomorrow so we'll find out whether I might be right and whether Mini-Me can get some relief... hopefully it'll mean I can go back to saying "oh, she's such a good baby, not fussy at all!" and maybe we can start getting more sleep! Already I am less frustrated and more understanding/patient when she shrieks inconsolably.

Mini-Me slept in her swing last night for the first time, after an entire day of squirming and fussing. It was clear she was exhausted, and when she finally got to sleep she slept for six hours at a stretch! I woke up before she did and went to check on her, since I was alarmed and surprised that she was still out cold.

Quick brain dump

2007-11-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Do not fear, things are not as dire as they sounded when I abruptly disappeared from the blogging world. I've had two *really* low-mood days in the last few weeks, both of which lasted less than 24 hours. Getting out with for a nice long walk with the baby in a sling helps a bunch.

Therapist wisely reminded me that when I feel regret and wish to go back in time, it's nothing against Mini-Me in particular, just missing aspects of my old life. I've started feeling less guilty. Also have started requesting time off while my husband is home, not just for sleeping and housework but for fun things like making stained glass and goofing off on the internet.

Mini-Me and I have gotten into a pretty good groove with sleeping and eating and our general routine. She sleeps in threeish hour shifts at night, with about an hour of feeding in between, and snacks and naps intermittently for most of the daytime. We started having her sleep in her own room, until the early morning (5 AM or so) feeding shift when I pull her into bed with me because I'm too sleepy to sit up and feed her in any other position. (She breastfeeds at the intermediate-advanced level, having mastered the side-lying nursing position at just two weeks.) Her afternoon crankiness is usually related to gas or being overtired.

Even though I'm not getting much more sleep than before, my mood has been much better, partly because the weather has gotten sunny and warm again, and partly because I have gained confidence that I will eventually get the baby back to sleep. It rarely takes me more than two hours, so I can count on getting back to bed by a certain time.

Tricks to get the baby to sleep:

swaddling - absolutely necessary for sound sleep almost all the time
swing - works well with baby is already sleepy
sling + walking - evening walks around the neighborhood have been nice, treadmill and TV in the basement is a last resort
mummy wrap + piano - just discovered this one a few days ago when I sat down to play a bit of music to soothe my own nerves. Mini-Me fussed for a few minutes then conked out.
sucking - pacifier or pinkie finger save my nipples from getting chomped to death
wait it out - I'm not an advocate of the "let them cry it out" theory, but Mini-Me is learning to soothe herself, and sometimes if I give her an extra minute before I rush in to soothe her, she manages just fine herself.

Now that she's asleep, I'm off to do the zillion things that are zooming around my brain.

Where it's at

2007-10-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have so many things I would like to catch up on here, but with the baby sleeping I really must take advantage and get some sleep myself, as I am turning into a depressed zombie. Hopefully I will have more time for blogging eventually, even typing with both hands instead of pecking along one-handed while I hold the baby with the other....

2007-10-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am slowly going insane as Mini-Me has shortened her naptimes to two hours at the most, and introduced the new pattern of hiccuping for 45 minutes and occasionally projectile vomiting after each feeding. Sleep is getting worse, although I started experimenting with pumping milk yesterday so my husband can take over a feeding every day. (Pumping hurts - I have to see about getting some different sized parts for my pump when I run errands tomorrow.)

At one point this morning while she was fussing I thought to myself "I don't want her" and "I liked it better before she was born", then felt terribly guilty and burst into tears. Husband is wisely getting us all out of the house for a walk and lunch, even though it is rainy and gray out. I was so hoping that introducing pumping and bottle-feeding would help me to get more sleep, but with baby sleeping for shorter periods of time, even having Papa take over one feeding still only gives me about four hours off at best....

Nicknames

2007-10-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

I hadn't thought having a baby would turn me and my husband, intelligent and educated people, into blathering idiots. These are some of the nicknames I have observed us calling the baby since she was born:

Little One
Little Bit
Squeaker
Mushroom
Princess Pootie Pants (don't ask)
Princess Small One
Baby Bird
Mad Dog
Little Houdini

Mini-Me is getting sleep in 2-3 hour shifts at this point, which, given my insomnia problem, means I get about 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. This has made me irrational, unreasonable, irritable, and altogether unpleasant at times. Hanging in there best I can. Sugar and caffeine are helpful. Good thing Mini-Me is so darn cute - no wonder we don't leave her out for the dingoes or coyotes, or, in our neighborhood, the raccoons.

Helping vs. "Helping"

2007-10-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have issued the following restrictions on the definition of "helping":

Cooking dinner for us doesn't count as helping unless grocery-buying and clean-up are included.
Holding the baby when she is sleeping doesn't count as helping.

We (mostly me) are fatigued to the point where it has become much easier to draw boundaries and, say, prioritize our needs (mostly mine and baby's) above my mother-in-law's. I just don't have the energy to care whether other people are put out when we tell them no. Also my husband is back at work now, and I have actually been relieved to have the house to myself and little more flexibility as Mini-Me and I settle into a routine.

Sleep, glorious sleep

2007-10-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

For the first time since before I went into labor, I got eight hours of sleep overnight (in three shifts). Headache of the past few days has gone and I am feeling much less grumpy...

(Not my photo!)

Mini-Me at two weeks old

2007-10-11T11:27:00.001-07:00

Pushing it

2007-10-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

So, I wouldn't recommend going with your ten-day-old baby to a two-day wedding event. Mini-Me was a champ in the car all day Friday, and slept straight through the rehearsal dinner, but was awake all night, leaving Mama exhausted while Papa was out drinking with all his high school buddies. Saturday Mama voted for returning home with Mini-Me so Papa could enjoy himself at the wedding, but Papa wouldn't allow it so Mama and Mini-Me dragged their way through the day until Mama snapped at the end of the evening and threatened to make Papa walk home.

It is awfully gratifying to have so many people coo over your baby and talk about how cute or how beautiful she is. It is difficult to have to disappear from the party all day to breast-feed, only to hand the baby off to Papa while she is being cute and mellow. The baby is a great accessory, but when Papa has her, people seem to notice Mama's sunken eyes and not her hot leather boots.

First few days

2007-10-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

You know that episode of Battlestar Galactica where they have to do a hyperlight jump every 33 minutes so the Cylons don't catch up with them? Our first few days and nights home with the baby have felt a little like that, although things have evened out by now.

Baby had highish jaundice levels when she left the hospital, so we have had to bring her in for labwork daily until today. Jaundice is caused by the breakdown of red blood cells - newborns have blood thick with red blood cells, which gives them better oxygen supply in the womb. When these cells are broken down after birth, a byproduct called bilirubin can build up and makes the skin and eyes yellowish.

Bilirubin can be removed from the body by the liver or by light on the skin. We did phototherapy at home, but we also had to feed the baby every two hours or so in order to get her liver excreting waste (including bilirubin) as quickly as possible. Her jaundice peaked on day four of life, and by day five we got the good news that she would not have to be re-admitted to the hospital for more phototherapy (which would involve putting the baby in a light box).

The cycle of waking her up and getting her alert enough to feed, feeding her, burping, changing, and getting her back to sleep took about two hours, so we barely had time to sleep ourselves during this process. Very glad that she's over the worst of it and now we can feed her and let her sleep a little longer as she dictates.

So far it seems that this kid is really mellow and sleeps like a champ. Some jaundiced babies are lethargic, though, so it could be that we will see some new temperament once her jaundice totally clears.

Overheard

2007-10-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Husband's conversation with the baby, after putting her in a sunny spot by the window:
"Look at you, turning your head toward the sun... actually, our plants do that too... I'm not that impressed."

Project Mini-Me Phase 2 is Complete

2007-09-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

(For the record, I went into labor two hours after I left the acupuncture appointment.)

Due

2007-09-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today is one of my two due dates - the one calculated from charting when I ovulated. I decided to hedge my bets by adding acupuncture to my repertoire of things that will encourage labor. I have had no experience with acupuncture in the past, but got a good referral from one of the midwives and had my first appointment this morning. Wasn't uncomfortable, and I especially liked the guided visualization she put on for me to listen to while I stewed with the needles in me. The plan is to schedule three appointments, assuming I need them all, within a week.

I have been having contractions randomly for the last few weeks, with no big sign that things are ramping up but everything pointing in the right direction. Not too anxious about it - pretty confident things will get going before midwives start talking about inducing me. In the meantime I am distracting myself with projects around the house and a few hours a day in my glass studio.

Libra Territory

2007-09-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be nice to have another Virgo in the family, so we could achieve majority vote, but it is official that our little one will be a Libra:

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped.

There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

2007-09-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe my body's so used to being pregnant that it will forget to go into labor?

What would Emily say?

2007-09-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

I would like to have an Emily the Midwife action figure to bring home with me - I always come away from my appointments with her feeling much more upbeat and less anxious about anything to do with pregnancy. My impatience about the continuation of pregnancy and lack of labor/baby gets dissolved enough to last me through the next week.

She confirmed that everything is going well, reinforced that edema is *not* a symptom of pre-eclampsia, that all the lab work etc shows I do *not* have pre-eclampsia anyway. She reminded me that swollen feet are normal at this stage in a pregnancy, that I don't have to stay off my feet if I don't want to, and advised me to stop taking my blood pressure at home, but "for god's sake if you're going to use that blood pressure wrist cuff take your readings lying down with your arm at your side." She said my husband can drink two liters of water a day if it makes him feel good but I should only drink when I'm thirsty.

Yesterday I had a huge burst of energy after my appointment, made two ginormous batches of soup (for which there is no room in the freezer), did an hour of yardwork, laundry, dishes, etc. Didn't even feel that tired at the end of the day, though I got a good night's sleep. Wonder if that was that burst of pre-labor energy people talk about, or just an extra good version of a Good Day.

Kitty gets it

2007-09-21T14:03:00.001-07:00

The cat, who has been snubbing me in favor my husband for the last few weeks, did a bizarre and adorable thing last night. I was curled up in bed, and she crawled under the covers, crept right up the base of my belly where the baby's head was, and started doing little cat kisses on my bare belly. Baby was moving around a lot so I was a little afraid that the cat would be alarmed and attack, but it all turned out well and I was left with a warm fuzzy feeling that our new family would get along ok.

Division of labor

2007-09-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had a very good talk a few nights ago about our experiences at the hospital. He readily agreed to be the "unconditional support cheerleader" and let the medical pros be in charge of telling what is going wrong. I also had a talk with our doula about it, to make clear that we will have a happier marriage and a better birth experience if we can count on her to be the project manager so my husband can let that part of the labor/birth/hospital experience go. So we done good, and I feel much better about the whole adventure.

2007-09-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely day yesterday, complete with double-helpings of ice cream and a nice walk on the beach, and by evening I had swollen feet and hands, a headache, and high blood pressure readings. So I got an unexpected tour of the Labor and Delivery department at the hospital last night.

Before I went in, the doctor told us on the phone that best-case scenario was they did a couple of readings, ruled out pre-eclampsia, and sent me home. Worst case scenario was that they determined I did have pre-eclampsia (which could really screw up my liver permanently) and they would have to induce labor. Fortunately, I fell into the best-case scenario category, and was on my way out the door an hour later.

For most of the time I was there, I had four monitors on me: one reading the baby's heartbeat (which was generally 130-150 bpm, right where it should be), one monitoring contractions (still not sure how this monitor worked - it showed contractions and coughs but not deep breaths - the nurse kept saying it just measured my belly moving in and out but there must be more to it than that), a finger cuff checking my O2 saturation and a blood pressure cuff. Three good BP readings and a urine sample later, I was sent home. I am having contractions about three minutes apart, but since they aren't all strong enough for me to feel, they don't count as real labor contractions.

My husband says he thinks I will miss some early signs of labor because I am pretty well conditioned and may not have discomfort with contractions that would hurt otherwise/other people. We'll see - certainly I wouldn't mind missing out on a few hours of discomfort.

The frustrating thing about the whole experience is that husband, and through him, our doula, got hung up on the idea that our little escapade last night was due to my not drinking enough water during the day, so I felt lectured, blamed, defensive, and eventually angry. Told husband in a few ways that I needed the gentle sweet unconditionally supportive side of him, but didn't get it. Project for the next few days: to get this message across now that we aren't as stressed with the experience of being anxious at the hospital.

And to top it off, my parents are in town today. I am heading to the hotel to pick them up now; not looking forward to being fussed over, but hey, Mom offered to make a few chicken pot pies for the freezer, which I think is nifty.

Watched Pot

2007-09-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for caller ID. My mother-in-law has been calling every few days to ask "if there's news" and talk about nothing in particular, and it's making me a little nuts. Today I got calls from both my mother-in-law and my mother within an hour, both asking if I was still pregnant. This will get tiresome if it goes on for another four weeks!

Bras

2007-09-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

I hardly ever wore bras before I got pregnant, but by about five months it was positively indecent, and I struggled to find something that fit properly. This was complicated by the fact that I was having a lot of rib pain, which made anything tight across the ribs unbearable - prickly nervy itchy type pain that drove me crazy. I was complaining to a well-endowed friend about how uncomfortable I was, and she sort of rolled her eyes and commented that most women had to learn to tolerate the discomfort of wearing bras sometime in high school, that I had gotten off lucky to have had an extra twenty years without them.

Before I got pregnant I wore a 34A. The bra that fit me best in June was a 42NB (which stands for "nearly B", as I learned). I went to a pro this week to get fitted for a nursing bra, and I was a 36B. This means that my rib cage expanded EIGHT INCHES when I was carrying the baby high, and in the last three weeks as she's dropped my rib cage has contracted SIX INCHES. Also my rib pain has almost completely subsided, much to my relief.

I got a polka-dot nursing bra, even though it's a little silly looking - babies like looking at black and white contrast patterns in their first six months of life, so maybe it'll keep her interested when she's nursing. Then again, maybe she will start associating me with a Holstein cow...

I feel like Jabba the Hutt

2007-09-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

The pre-pregnancy rules still apply: shower before noon, plenty of fruit for breakfast, and getting out of the house at least once in a day makes me a happier human being.

Things I tell the baby every day

2007-09-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

Now that we are full-term, I've started telling the baby at least once a day:

We can't wait to meet you! We are so excited to be your parents.
Things are all ready and it's safe for you to arrive whenever you want.
We are going to have so much fun together.

We met with our doula today, who gave me a CD to listen to, the second track of which is labeled: "Do not listen to Track 2 unless you are at least two weeks within your due date!" I'm going to check it out tonight. Wouldn't mind a little magic to get the ball rolling, although I know it's not really up to me at this point, the Little One is calling the shots....

Back to "Normal"

2007-09-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

After a rough time Friday and Saturday (going out in a crowd of people was overstimulating and exhausting) and a day of house projects and a quiet restaurant Sunday, I am feeling more like myself again. Earlier in the weekend I likened the difficult phase to that of a pregnant cat starting to look for her dark shoebox in the corner of the basement.

In the classes we've taken, we've been told that one of the things we humans do to make labor more difficult is overthink things. Women tend to do better when they are able to be more primal, less left-brained. I feel like I got a taste of that when I was having these emotional ups and downs and irrational anxieties. In labor, I will have to trust husband and doula a lot in order to get past my analytical side.

Jumpy

2007-09-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

In the past three months or so, I've had these little mini-panic attacks that come and go in a matter of seconds. Talked about it with the therapists, with husband, and concluded that they seem to be purely physiological, probably related to lack of oxygen as I started having more trouble breathing. Last week I noticed that they tended to happen when we were out to dinner, so my new theory is that it's a blood sugar thing.

Yesterday I experienced an entirely new kind of anxiety that was a little more alarming. Baby started moving in a new way - for four weeks she's been head-down-to-the-left, butt-up-on-the-right, and all of a sudden with a mighty thump and a few painful seconds of rib jabs, she was mirror image, and then she started rotating again and stopped with her butt square in the middle of my rib cage. This was the beginning of my feeling disturbed - I stopped what I was doing and napped on my left side with kitty for a few hours, and when I woke up, I felt scared to leave the house and desperate for my husband to come home. So I spent the next four hours pacing the house waiting for J to get back from the airport. Felt much better after an evening of cuddling and company, and woke up this morning (after eight hours of sleep - imagine that!) with baby back to butt-on-the-right and seemingly settled.

Called therapist to ask about hypnotherapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques to get me through the next few weeks, as I can't expect my husband to escort me every time I leave the house... but still glad we have a nice three-day weekend together in the meantime.

Listless

2007-08-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

For my 35th birthday I got myself: a diaper bag, new cushions for a hand-me-down glider, and a nursery monitor. Feeling a bit pathetic.

Also I am totally burned out on pregnancy books. I went through my pile today to return some to the friend who lent them to me. I copied four books' lists of "what to bring to the hospital" for later reference. I'm not going to pack until I'm actually in labor, I decided, but I will make a list ahead of time.

The good side of this burnout is that I was inspired to get into my glass studio and play with stained glass for a few hours tonight, which is something I haven't really felt like doing lately.

My therapist and I had an interesting conversation earlier this week about how I feel like my (normally sharp science-oriented) brain has been way under-stimulated lately, and how I am afraid I am wearing out all my friends with my incessant talk of babies, labor, and pregnancy. She helped me to separate two issues: whether I want to make the time for the things I used to do (stained glass, piano, sciencey geeky things, reading math books for fun), and coping with self-judgment about my shift in focus right now. The self-criticism side of it is something I don't need, yet it's hard to let go of how other people (who don't have kids, aren't interested in babies, etc) see me right now. It's bad enough that strangers see just the "pregnant woman" identity, but I squirm thinking that I've truly become less cool because the mama-to-be side of me is so dominant.

Climbing tomorrow should help my psyche a bit, although I think it will probably be my last time on the wall until after baby - my belly is growing and dropping at an alarming rate and it is getting too hard to keep my body far enough away from the wall.