Today's bottle-training stats

So, I have solved the milk storage problem, but now we have a bottle-feeding problem. Mini-Me wants none of it, especially when she knows she is close to the tap. This may take a while.

2.5 ounces of milk, 18 minutes of hysteria & protest, 5 minutes from starting to drink to finish line.

Guess who slept through the night?

All of us! 10:30-5 is a new record for Mini-Me. I woke up confused and very engorged, but feeling that the sleep did me a lot of good, especially since I am fighting off a cold.

I have solved the spoiled milk/lipase problem. Scalding the milk in the microwave, then chilling it in the fridge, has yielded milk that stays sweet at least 24 hours and doesn't separate as quickly. (I tried scalding it on the stovetop too but it tasted a bit funny.) Mini-Me is a bit out of practice with a bottle, after 2-3 weeks off, but we are slowly reintroducing it. Yesterday it came down to a battle of wills, and I won out after about ten minutes of her screaming and shrieking at me. The other mothers and nannies in the park looked at me like I sticking pins into her but eventually she gave in and drank the whole 3 ounces without further complaint. And I started pumping into glass bottles, so the milk can go from pump to microwave to fridge to baby without having to get trasnferred into other containers.

We are preparing for our first plane flight with Mini-Me, as we are visiting my parents for Christmas. It's a little amazing how much gear and crap such a small being needs!

Socks, revisited

I found socks that stay on and don't cost $25 a pair: tube socks from BabyGap. We got a few pairs of striped, but the white ones stay on even better. Get them one size larger.

Breastmilk mystery solved?

After weeks of agonizing over the sour breastmilk problem, and an embarrassingly short amount of time researching sour breastmilk on the Internet, I discovered that some women produce an excess of an enzyme called lipase, which breaks down fat in breastmilk to make it more digestible. It also accelerates the decomposition of the milk, so it sours and spoils faster. Basically the lipase starts digesting the fat in the milk, so by the time it gets to the baby the fat (which is what makes it taste so good) is all gone.

Now that I have started to see my milk production increase and I have a little more to play with, I've experimented with microwaving some pumped milk to scald it, which is supposed to stop the process of souring. I will taste it twelve hours after storing to see if it tastes better than unscalded milk, and then (the ultimate test) will try giving it to Mini-Me in a bottle for bedtime. She is struggling with the bottle a bit, after two weeks off, but she drank freshly pumped milk from a bottle today after getting started with a little from the original source.

Apparently if I scald the milk before I store it (either fridge or freezer) it will taste better, though the milk will lose some of the immune system benefits. This doesn't concern me, since we are mostly breastfeeding Mini-Me, with pumped/frozen milk to use for an occasional babysitter or when Papa takes over bedtime. I have discovered today, though, that scalding it on the stovetop rather than in the microwave keeps some of the nutritional and immunological properties of the milk intact, so I'll start doing that instead of microwaving it.

No room for dark humor

On Day 3 of Mini-Me being a pill after her shots, I walked in the door after trying to settle her down with a walk around the neighborhood. When I got home, I was exhausted, she was screaming and squirming, and Papa made up a little song to try to cheer me up:

If you're not good to Mummy,
I'll tell you what we'll do
We'll put you in your bear costume
And give you to the zoo.

If you're not nice to Mummy,
We'll put you in a pack
We'll cover it with postage stamps,
And we will send you back!

Unfortunately, it's not the kind of song you want to be overheard muttering while you walk around Babies'R'Us. It's the type of humor that may only be funny if you've been there, recently.

Shots and pills

Mini-Me got her first round of shots on Friday, and she has been a major pill ever since - maybe they forgot to give her the twerp vaccination.

Really, most of the time I am more sympathetic, but I have been short lately after much inconsolable shrieking, constant feeding and clinginess, and sleep in one-hour shots for three days. Thank goodness the sweet temperament is starting to come back.

The timing of this is particularly terrible, since for the past week my milk supply has been inadequate and I am trying to bulk up. I decided a few days ago to go off the Pill and to start taking Fenugreek, in the hopes that it will up my production a little more. Add to it that I had to throw out my entire stash of frozen milk and now I'm trying to get ahead, and it translates to a real toll on my body and mind.

Fortunately, Mini-Me is just getting to the point where she can entertain herself. She is starting to enjoy time on the toy mat, and has been hanging out alone in her swing, awake, for the past two hours, staring at a toy that I hung from the top of the swing.

Before Mini-Me was born, I spent a lot of time looking for a pediatrician who is flexible about vaccinations, since I did not want to be locked into the CDC's guidelines for baby immunizations. This is what we decided to do:

• Hep B - skip until required for school or until age 10
• Chicken Pox - may skip until school age as long as Papa can get vaccinated
• Rotavirus - skipping entirely
• Hib and DTaP @ two months
• IPV and PCV @ three months
• Hib and DTaP @ four months
• IPV and PCV @ five months...

and so on.

I found this book particularly helpful when I was investigating immunizations.

Breastfeeding in public

Looking back the past ten weeks, here are some of the stranger places I've fed the baby:
* in a changing room at Old Navy
* with the groom's bachelor party at a wedding
* in the back row of seats at same wedding
* on the floor of the climbing gym
* in a comfy leather chair in the "as-is" section of IKEA

Back on the wall

Went climbing today for the first time since 36 weeks pregnant... that makes... 14 weeks off. Have lost a lot of strength, most noticeably in my fingers. Have also lost all my callouses, which I'm sure will come back quickly. My climbing partner and I bouldered, since we didn't have a third person to help us with baby care. Mini-Me was great at the gym - interested in looking around, non-fussy, completely fine with being handed back and forth as we tried out different bouldering problems. A good omen.

Socks, an exercise in futility

How can it be that we live in such a technologically advanced world and yet no one can invent socks that will stay on Mini-Me's feet?

A few days ago, Mini-Me told me she was hungry by grasping my thumb and middle finger in her two hands, and, with an intense look of concentration on her face, guiding my index finger into her mouth. I am convinced I have given birth to the smartest person on the planet.

Cost of Baby, Part Two

Today I got an itemized bill for a particularly large portion of my hospital stay. Some notes:

Although I was given a manual breast pump along with a diaper bag, with the nurses acting as if they were both free, I was charged $72 for a breast pump that was exactly like the one I had at home... which cost me $35 at Babies'R'Us.

Each dose of 400 mg of Ibuprofen cost $15.36.

I shouldn't complain - my insurance paid for almost all of the $16,000 bill (96.5%, for those of us who are quantitative). And as a former medical social worker, I shouldn't be that surprised about charges that seem ridiculous to me. But geez! what a messed up system. I think health care will probably be the issue that influences me most in the upcoming presidential election.

Crying over spoilt milk

In order to give me a bit of a break and give Papa some time with Mini-Me, I suggested a few days ago that Papa take over bedtime for a while. He could do the last nighttime feeding via bottle. The first night was a disaster - baby wouldn't take the bottle, couldn't be soothed, and finally she and Papa both fell asleep, exhausted, on the floor of the nursery.

Last night I wanted to use up the milk I thawed for Papa the night before, so instead of breastfeeding her I tried to give her a bottle for a mid-night feeding. She shrieked, fussed, and generally refused. I suspected either a problem with the nipple or the milk, and decided to sort it out in the morning.

Today I tasted the milk in the bottle, and almost retched. This was milk that I had frozen on 10/31, less than a month ago. The scientist in me realized I was not keeping good track of how many days the milk sat in the fridge before it got frozen, meaning I didn't know how many days it could sit in the fridge after being frozen. Plan to figure out a notation system to fix this problem. Also will stop storing milk in the fridge uncovered (in the pump - much easier than fussing with transferring it to another container at 3 in the morning).

I feel incredibly guilty for trying to feed the baby spoilt milk (twice) and concerned and upset about the possibility that *all* the milk I have stored in the freezer may be spoilt too. Until I figure out the problem, new house policy is that Papa or I taste the milk right before it goes to the baby, every time. Also I'll start tasting the milk before I start putting it in the freezer.

I've been weighing Mini-Me at a local baby resource center, since my pediatrician and I are concerned about MM's weight gain slowing down as a result of reflux. I was relieved, right after we started using the medication, that her gain had picked up to 1.5 oz/day, which is what it was during the first month of her life. So you can imagine my surprise when yesterday I discovered she had only gained 1.5 ounces in the entire past two weeks.

I'm not quite paranoid about it to keep a nursing journal yet, but I am going to pay more attention to what times I feed Mini-Me and how long we go between feedings. I hadn't noticed her nursing dropping off, but my husband commented that it seemed we were having feeding sessions less often. Also new plan is to try to feed her on both sides every time. I tried that today, but she kept falling asleep after her first course...

The Cost of a Baby ($24,500-$42,000)

Or: "The stupid health-care system that will cause my wonderful community hospital to be closed."

I have a good friend who had a baby eight months before I did. Her labor story and mine were very different. She was induced on the evening of Day 1, was on IV pitocin etc. until evening of Day 3, and finally had a C-section later that night. She was released from the hospital on the afternoon of Day 5. She was in very painful labor during Days 2 and 3.

I went to the hospital already fully dilated in the early morning of Day 1, gave birth vaginally four hours later, and was released in the afternoon of Day 3. Mini-Me needed a pediatric appointment on Day 4 and labs on Days 4 and 5 because of jaundice.

My friend's labor and birth, before insurance, cost $42,000. Mine cost $24,500.

The hospital I went to for my birth is a community hospital which is known in the city for supporting natural birth (ie no drugs or interventions whenever possible), has the lowest C-section rate in the city, and has a high proportion of Latino and uninsured patients. The hospital has a strong midwife program and tends to attract low-risk pregnancies.

The big hospital across town, which has a much higher proportion of (white, and) insured patients, is also the default hospital for high-risk cases in the city. At one point they had a policy restricting or barring doulas from births because of a single case where a doula interfered with a patient's care in an inappropriate way. The two hospitals are part of the same medical center.

My little hospital is not profitable. The other hospital is. And it appears that my hospital will be closed sometime in the next 1-3 years. Which really sucks. It is so troublesome to me that a hospital with a reputation for providing such good care for pregnant women is going to be closed, especially since a big part of their excellent care is avoiding interventions that may be unnecessary and potentially unhealthy for laboring women.

...like riding a bike

I rode my motorcycle today for the first time in almost a year. Man! did it feel good. An hour and twenty miles along the beach on a gorgeous day does wonders for my psyche...

I tend to make decisions slowly, and for the past few weeks I've been mulling over whether to begin working again in January. It would take some effort to re-open my practice and build up a clientele, but my husband would be able to take the baby on Sunday afternoons while I work with clients. It wasn't the immediate plan for me to go back to work; living on one income has proven to be too little.

I've been up with Mini-Me from 2 AM until now, 5 AM, trying to get her back to sleep as she fussed. With only three hours of sleep already tonight, I was having difficulty tolerating her fussing, and found myself getting angrier and more resentful the longer I struggled with her.

It gave me some time for contemplation, and I finally came up with this:
I'm not really getting any meaningful relief from Mini-Me's care. My husband takes her out for a few hours at a time, but it's usually when she's already sleeping or in a good mood, and it doesn't do a whole lot to help me recuperate from being on duty 24-7. I'll be damned if I'm going to carve 6-8 hours out of my week to take on clients. The last thing I feel like doing is committing to taking care of anybody else. Maybe I'll be ready for it in March or in the fall when Mini-Me is weaned, when I'm getting more sleep, when something changes, but right now I just can't imagine how restarting my job will be healthy for me.

I'm writing this down now, while I'm thinking of it, because after I'm less angry and I've had more sleep, I may forget that I already feel like "butter scraped across too much bread".

Baby's a swinger

Thank the gods for the portable swing lent to us a few weeks ago. Mini-Me has had a few really tough days lately - as far as I can tell it's tummy troubles, which means hours of writhing, shrieking, desperate attempts at feeding and occasional projectile vomiting. Even though I feel I should stick with her and have her calm down and gently fall asleep in my arms, the fact of the matter is that plopping her in her swing and leaving her to chill by herself is the best solution I've found yet.

I've been grappling with an interesting problem lately: I take care of Mini-Me pretty much full-time, including almost all feedings (bottle or breast), all nighttime wakings, etc. My husband is home on weekends and in the evenings, and he has been taking her out with him for a few hours at a time, but when we are both home I am the default baby-care. Papa also travels for business, so Mini-Me and I are alone together at least a few nights a week.

Today (and last weekend, come to think of it) I got Mini-Me calmed down after a feeding, and Papa wanted to cuddle with her for a while, maybe settle down for a nap together. And Mini-Me started fussing, eventually ramping up into full-on hysteria which required popping her on the breast for a while and an hour of rocking until she finally fell asleep. What I struggle with: when to intervene, if at all, when Papa and Mini-Me are having a hard time connecting. I spend so much time with her, of course I have some expertise in soothing her, but I don't want to undermine Papa's bonding time with her. And I can't stand it when I can hear her crying like that, especially when I have ideas about how to help and Papa doesn't want to hear them. Sometimes I've coped by getting snappish, sometimes by taking Mini-Me and soothing her myself, sometimes by leaving the house or going to a sound-proof place to wait it out.

I would never be concerned about my husband deliberately hurting the baby, but how much crying and hysteria would it take to be traumatic? Is it more important that Papa figure it out for himself, or more important that baby gets soothed more quickly? How much of this is about protecting my husband's ego and how much is really about needing to feel like my time and effort with the baby have value? Papa's best interests or baby's? Or are they the same thing? Need to mull this over and talk to my husband about it more. This is where a trusted cadre of mommies would be a helpful sounding board!

Better

As before, sun and some solid sleep make the mood funk go away. Found a super-duper playground in the city today. Fun to see so many parents and kids of all sizes.

Low, low, low

Feeling isolated, bored and unappreciated today. Husband and I have been bickering and completely missing each other communication-wise, lately. Went for a walk together, came home feeling worse than when I left. At least Mini-Me has stopped shrieking - medicine must have kicked in. Last night I pulled her into bed with me, and we got six hours of sleep in two shifts, an improvement..

Honesty: Best Policy (not!)

I've been making the rounds of mother's groups lately, and I must say, I've met a lot of weird looking babies in the last few weeks. I think mine is cute as a button, of course, but I wonder whether I would ever know if people thought she were odd looking. Like that boyfriend I dated when I first moved here - all my friends thought he was unstable but no one said anything until a year ago, ten years after I dumped him...

We all smell like vomit

So, Mini-Me is on medication for reflux, as the pediatrician agreed that her symptoms matched up with reflux and we saw a decrease in her weight gain in the two weeks before the appointment. Since we've started on Zantac, there's been less fussing, and it seems like there's been more frequent spit-ups but they're not as voluminous and not as curdsy.

Mini-Me stopped sleeping in nice 4-6 hour stretches at night and started waking up every 1-2 hours. I attributed this to the fact that she doesn't exhaust herself fussing in the afternoon, but my friend the family doc informed me that Mini-Me is due for a growth spurt right around now (she'll be seven weeks in a few days) and she is feeding constantly to increase my milk supply to meet her new demand. Cool biology, but I am already starting to unravel after two nights of sleep in one-hour chunks. Hopefully she'll settle down in the next few days.

Oversensitive

It bugs me when my mother-in-law calls Mini-Me "our baby". I did all the work before she was born and I'm doing most of the work now!

Also, it bugs me that the baby smiles at her Papa, her grandmother, and the housecleaner but not at me.

Duh

It only took me how many weeks to figure it out? The cottage cheesy spit-up, the crying and fussing and squirming, the hiccups, needing to sleep semi-inclined? Baby has reflux! There are other signs too - we see the pediatrician tomorrow so we'll find out whether I might be right and whether Mini-Me can get some relief... hopefully it'll mean I can go back to saying "oh, she's such a good baby, not fussy at all!" and maybe we can start getting more sleep! Already I am less frustrated and more understanding/patient when she shrieks inconsolably.

Mini-Me slept in her swing last night for the first time, after an entire day of squirming and fussing. It was clear she was exhausted, and when she finally got to sleep she slept for six hours at a stretch! I woke up before she did and went to check on her, since I was alarmed and surprised that she was still out cold.

Quick brain dump

Do not fear, things are not as dire as they sounded when I abruptly disappeared from the blogging world. I've had two *really* low-mood days in the last few weeks, both of which lasted less than 24 hours. Getting out with for a nice long walk with the baby in a sling helps a bunch.

Therapist wisely reminded me that when I feel regret and wish to go back in time, it's nothing against Mini-Me in particular, just missing aspects of my old life. I've started feeling less guilty. Also have started requesting time off while my husband is home, not just for sleeping and housework but for fun things like making stained glass and goofing off on the internet.

Mini-Me and I have gotten into a pretty good groove with sleeping and eating and our general routine. She sleeps in threeish hour shifts at night, with about an hour of feeding in between, and snacks and naps intermittently for most of the daytime. We started having her sleep in her own room, until the early morning (5 AM or so) feeding shift when I pull her into bed with me because I'm too sleepy to sit up and feed her in any other position. (She breastfeeds at the intermediate-advanced level, having mastered the side-lying nursing position at just two weeks.) Her afternoon crankiness is usually related to gas or being overtired.

Even though I'm not getting much more sleep than before, my mood has been much better, partly because the weather has gotten sunny and warm again, and partly because I have gained confidence that I will eventually get the baby back to sleep. It rarely takes me more than two hours, so I can count on getting back to bed by a certain time.

Tricks to get the baby to sleep:

• swaddling - absolutely necessary for sound sleep almost all the time
• swing - works well with baby is already sleepy
• sling + walking - evening walks around the neighborhood have been nice, treadmill and TV in the basement is a last resort
• mummy wrap + piano - just discovered this one a few days ago when I sat down to play a bit of music to soothe my own nerves. Mini-Me fussed for a few minutes then conked out.
• sucking - pacifier or pinkie finger save my nipples from getting chomped to death
• wait it out - I'm not an advocate of the "let them cry it out" theory, but Mini-Me is learning to soothe herself, and sometimes if I give her an extra minute before I rush in to soothe her, she manages just fine herself.

Now that she's asleep, I'm off to do the zillion things that are zooming around my brain.

Where it's at

I have so many things I would like to catch up on here, but with the baby sleeping I really must take advantage and get some sleep myself, as I am turning into a depressed zombie. Hopefully I will have more time for blogging eventually, even typing with both hands instead of pecking along one-handed while I hold the baby with the other....

I am slowly going insane as Mini-Me has shortened her naptimes to two hours at the most, and introduced the new pattern of hiccuping for 45 minutes and occasionally projectile vomiting after each feeding. Sleep is getting worse, although I started experimenting with pumping milk yesterday so my husband can take over a feeding every day. (Pumping hurts - I have to see about getting some different sized parts for my pump when I run errands tomorrow.)

At one point this morning while she was fussing I thought to myself "I don't want her" and "I liked it better before she was born", then felt terribly guilty and burst into tears. Husband is wisely getting us all out of the house for a walk and lunch, even though it is rainy and gray out. I was so hoping that introducing pumping and bottle-feeding would help me to get more sleep, but with baby sleeping for shorter periods of time, even having Papa take over one feeding still only gives me about four hours off at best....

Nicknames

I hadn't thought having a baby would turn me and my husband, intelligent and educated people, into blathering idiots. These are some of the nicknames I have observed us calling the baby since she was born:

Little One
Little Bit
Squeaker
Mushroom
Princess Pootie Pants (don't ask)
Princess Small One
Baby Bird
Mad Dog
Little Houdini

Mini-Me is getting sleep in 2-3 hour shifts at this point, which, given my insomnia problem, means I get about 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. This has made me irrational, unreasonable, irritable, and altogether unpleasant at times. Hanging in there best I can. Sugar and caffeine are helpful. Good thing Mini-Me is so darn cute - no wonder we don't leave her out for the dingoes or coyotes, or, in our neighborhood, the raccoons.

Helping vs. "Helping"

My husband and I have issued the following restrictions on the definition of "helping":

• Cooking dinner for us doesn't count as helping unless grocery-buying and clean-up are included.
• Holding the baby when she is sleeping doesn't count as helping.

We (mostly me) are fatigued to the point where it has become much easier to draw boundaries and, say, prioritize our needs (mostly mine and baby's) above my mother-in-law's. I just don't have the energy to care whether other people are put out when we tell them no. Also my husband is back at work now, and I have actually been relieved to have the house to myself and little more flexibility as Mini-Me and I settle into a routine.

Sleep, glorious sleep

For the first time since before I went into labor, I got eight hours of sleep overnight (in three shifts). Headache of the past few days has gone and I am feeling much less grumpy...

(Not my photo!)

Mini-Me at two weeks old

Pushing it

So, I wouldn't recommend going with your ten-day-old baby to a two-day wedding event. Mini-Me was a champ in the car all day Friday, and slept straight through the rehearsal dinner, but was awake all night, leaving Mama exhausted while Papa was out drinking with all his high school buddies. Saturday Mama voted for returning home with Mini-Me so Papa could enjoy himself at the wedding, but Papa wouldn't allow it so Mama and Mini-Me dragged their way through the day until Mama snapped at the end of the evening and threatened to make Papa walk home.

It is awfully gratifying to have so many people coo over your baby and talk about how cute or how beautiful she is. It is difficult to have to disappear from the party all day to breast-feed, only to hand the baby off to Papa while she is being cute and mellow. The baby is a great accessory, but when Papa has her, people seem to notice Mama's sunken eyes and not her hot leather boots.

First few days

You know that episode of Battlestar Galactica where they have to do a hyperlight jump every 33 minutes so the Cylons don't catch up with them? Our first few days and nights home with the baby have felt a little like that, although things have evened out by now.

Baby had highish jaundice levels when she left the hospital, so we have had to bring her in for labwork daily until today. Jaundice is caused by the breakdown of red blood cells - newborns have blood thick with red blood cells, which gives them better oxygen supply in the womb. When these cells are broken down after birth, a byproduct called bilirubin can build up and makes the skin and eyes yellowish.

Bilirubin can be removed from the body by the liver or by light on the skin. We did phototherapy at home, but we also had to feed the baby every two hours or so in order to get her liver excreting waste (including bilirubin) as quickly as possible. Her jaundice peaked on day four of life, and by day five we got the good news that she would not have to be re-admitted to the hospital for more phototherapy (which would involve putting the baby in a light box).

The cycle of waking her up and getting her alert enough to feed, feeding her, burping, changing, and getting her back to sleep took about two hours, so we barely had time to sleep ourselves during this process. Very glad that she's over the worst of it and now we can feed her and let her sleep a little longer as she dictates.

So far it seems that this kid is really mellow and sleeps like a champ. Some jaundiced babies are lethargic, though, so it could be that we will see some new temperament once her jaundice totally clears.

Overheard

Husband's conversation with the baby, after putting her in a sunny spot by the window:
"Look at you, turning your head toward the sun... actually, our plants do that too... I'm not that impressed."

Project Mini-Me Phase 2 is Complete

(For the record, I went into labor two hours after I left the acupuncture appointment.)

Due

Today is one of my two due dates - the one calculated from charting when I ovulated. I decided to hedge my bets by adding acupuncture to my repertoire of things that will encourage labor. I have had no experience with acupuncture in the past, but got a good referral from one of the midwives and had my first appointment this morning. Wasn't uncomfortable, and I especially liked the guided visualization she put on for me to listen to while I stewed with the needles in me. The plan is to schedule three appointments, assuming I need them all, within a week.

I have been having contractions randomly for the last few weeks, with no big sign that things are ramping up but everything pointing in the right direction. Not too anxious about it - pretty confident things will get going before midwives start talking about inducing me. In the meantime I am distracting myself with projects around the house and a few hours a day in my glass studio.

Libra Territory

I thought it might be nice to have another Virgo in the family, so we could achieve majority vote, but it is official that our little one will be a Libra:

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped.

There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Maybe my body's so used to being pregnant that it will forget to go into labor?

What would Emily say?

I would like to have an Emily the Midwife action figure to bring home with me - I always come away from my appointments with her feeling much more upbeat and less anxious about anything to do with pregnancy. My impatience about the continuation of pregnancy and lack of labor/baby gets dissolved enough to last me through the next week.

She confirmed that everything is going well, reinforced that edema is *not* a symptom of pre-eclampsia, that all the lab work etc shows I do *not* have pre-eclampsia anyway. She reminded me that swollen feet are normal at this stage in a pregnancy, that I don't have to stay off my feet if I don't want to, and advised me to stop taking my blood pressure at home, but "for god's sake if you're going to use that blood pressure wrist cuff take your readings lying down with your arm at your side." She said my husband can drink two liters of water a day if it makes him feel good but I should only drink when I'm thirsty.

Yesterday I had a huge burst of energy after my appointment, made two ginormous batches of soup (for which there is no room in the freezer), did an hour of yardwork, laundry, dishes, etc. Didn't even feel that tired at the end of the day, though I got a good night's sleep. Wonder if that was that burst of pre-labor energy people talk about, or just an extra good version of a Good Day.

Kitty gets it

The cat, who has been snubbing me in favor my husband for the last few weeks, did a bizarre and adorable thing last night. I was curled up in bed, and she crawled under the covers, crept right up the base of my belly where the baby's head was, and started doing little cat kisses on my bare belly. Baby was moving around a lot so I was a little afraid that the cat would be alarmed and attack, but it all turned out well and I was left with a warm fuzzy feeling that our new family would get along ok.

Division of labor

My husband and I had a very good talk a few nights ago about our experiences at the hospital. He readily agreed to be the "unconditional support cheerleader" and let the medical pros be in charge of telling what is going wrong. I also had a talk with our doula about it, to make clear that we will have a happier marriage and a better birth experience if we can count on her to be the project manager so my husband can let that part of the labor/birth/hospital experience go. So we done good, and I feel much better about the whole adventure.

I had a lovely day yesterday, complete with double-helpings of ice cream and a nice walk on the beach, and by evening I had swollen feet and hands, a headache, and high blood pressure readings. So I got an unexpected tour of the Labor and Delivery department at the hospital last night.

Before I went in, the doctor told us on the phone that best-case scenario was they did a couple of readings, ruled out pre-eclampsia, and sent me home. Worst case scenario was that they determined I did have pre-eclampsia (which could really screw up my liver permanently) and they would have to induce labor. Fortunately, I fell into the best-case scenario category, and was on my way out the door an hour later.

For most of the time I was there, I had four monitors on me: one reading the baby's heartbeat (which was generally 130-150 bpm, right where it should be), one monitoring contractions (still not sure how this monitor worked - it showed contractions and coughs but not deep breaths - the nurse kept saying it just measured my belly moving in and out but there must be more to it than that), a finger cuff checking my O2 saturation and a blood pressure cuff. Three good BP readings and a urine sample later, I was sent home. I am having contractions about three minutes apart, but since they aren't all strong enough for me to feel, they don't count as real labor contractions.

My husband says he thinks I will miss some early signs of labor because I am pretty well conditioned and may not have discomfort with contractions that would hurt otherwise/other people. We'll see - certainly I wouldn't mind missing out on a few hours of discomfort.

The frustrating thing about the whole experience is that husband, and through him, our doula, got hung up on the idea that our little escapade last night was due to my not drinking enough water during the day, so I felt lectured, blamed, defensive, and eventually angry. Told husband in a few ways that I needed the gentle sweet unconditionally supportive side of him, but didn't get it. Project for the next few days: to get this message across now that we aren't as stressed with the experience of being anxious at the hospital.

And to top it off, my parents are in town today. I am heading to the hotel to pick them up now; not looking forward to being fussed over, but hey, Mom offered to make a few chicken pot pies for the freezer, which I think is nifty.

Watched Pot

Thank goodness for caller ID. My mother-in-law has been calling every few days to ask "if there's news" and talk about nothing in particular, and it's making me a little nuts. Today I got calls from both my mother-in-law and my mother within an hour, both asking if I was still pregnant. This will get tiresome if it goes on for another four weeks!

Bras

I hardly ever wore bras before I got pregnant, but by about five months it was positively indecent, and I struggled to find something that fit properly. This was complicated by the fact that I was having a lot of rib pain, which made anything tight across the ribs unbearable - prickly nervy itchy type pain that drove me crazy. I was complaining to a well-endowed friend about how uncomfortable I was, and she sort of rolled her eyes and commented that most women had to learn to tolerate the discomfort of wearing bras sometime in high school, that I had gotten off lucky to have had an extra twenty years without them.

Before I got pregnant I wore a 34A. The bra that fit me best in June was a 42NB (which stands for "nearly B", as I learned). I went to a pro this week to get fitted for a nursing bra, and I was a 36B. This means that my rib cage expanded EIGHT INCHES when I was carrying the baby high, and in the last three weeks as she's dropped my rib cage has contracted SIX INCHES. Also my rib pain has almost completely subsided, much to my relief.

I got a polka-dot nursing bra, even though it's a little silly looking - babies like looking at black and white contrast patterns in their first six months of life, so maybe it'll keep her interested when she's nursing. Then again, maybe she will start associating me with a Holstein cow...

I feel like Jabba the Hutt

The pre-pregnancy rules still apply: shower before noon, plenty of fruit for breakfast, and getting out of the house at least once in a day makes me a happier human being.

Things I tell the baby every day

Now that we are full-term, I've started telling the baby at least once a day:

• We can't wait to meet you! We are so excited to be your parents.
• Things are all ready and it's safe for you to arrive whenever you want.
• We are going to have so much fun together.

We met with our doula today, who gave me a CD to listen to, the second track of which is labeled: "Do not listen to Track 2 unless you are at least two weeks within your due date!" I'm going to check it out tonight. Wouldn't mind a little magic to get the ball rolling, although I know it's not really up to me at this point, the Little One is calling the shots....

Back to "Normal"

After a rough time Friday and Saturday (going out in a crowd of people was overstimulating and exhausting) and a day of house projects and a quiet restaurant Sunday, I am feeling more like myself again. Earlier in the weekend I likened the difficult phase to that of a pregnant cat starting to look for her dark shoebox in the corner of the basement.

In the classes we've taken, we've been told that one of the things we humans do to make labor more difficult is overthink things. Women tend to do better when they are able to be more primal, less left-brained. I feel like I got a taste of that when I was having these emotional ups and downs and irrational anxieties. In labor, I will have to trust husband and doula a lot in order to get past my analytical side.

Jumpy

In the past three months or so, I've had these little mini-panic attacks that come and go in a matter of seconds. Talked about it with the therapists, with husband, and concluded that they seem to be purely physiological, probably related to lack of oxygen as I started having more trouble breathing. Last week I noticed that they tended to happen when we were out to dinner, so my new theory is that it's a blood sugar thing.

Yesterday I experienced an entirely new kind of anxiety that was a little more alarming. Baby started moving in a new way - for four weeks she's been head-down-to-the-left, butt-up-on-the-right, and all of a sudden with a mighty thump and a few painful seconds of rib jabs, she was mirror image, and then she started rotating again and stopped with her butt square in the middle of my rib cage. This was the beginning of my feeling disturbed - I stopped what I was doing and napped on my left side with kitty for a few hours, and when I woke up, I felt scared to leave the house and desperate for my husband to come home. So I spent the next four hours pacing the house waiting for J to get back from the airport. Felt much better after an evening of cuddling and company, and woke up this morning (after eight hours of sleep - imagine that!) with baby back to butt-on-the-right and seemingly settled.

Called therapist to ask about hypnotherapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques to get me through the next few weeks, as I can't expect my husband to escort me every time I leave the house... but still glad we have a nice three-day weekend together in the meantime.

Listless

For my 35th birthday I got myself: a diaper bag, new cushions for a hand-me-down glider, and a nursery monitor. Feeling a bit pathetic.

Also I am totally burned out on pregnancy books. I went through my pile today to return some to the friend who lent them to me. I copied four books' lists of "what to bring to the hospital" for later reference. I'm not going to pack until I'm actually in labor, I decided, but I will make a list ahead of time.

The good side of this burnout is that I was inspired to get into my glass studio and play with stained glass for a few hours tonight, which is something I haven't really felt like doing lately.

My therapist and I had an interesting conversation earlier this week about how I feel like my (normally sharp science-oriented) brain has been way under-stimulated lately, and how I am afraid I am wearing out all my friends with my incessant talk of babies, labor, and pregnancy. She helped me to separate two issues: whether I want to make the time for the things I used to do (stained glass, piano, sciencey geeky things, reading math books for fun), and coping with self-judgment about my shift in focus right now. The self-criticism side of it is something I don't need, yet it's hard to let go of how other people (who don't have kids, aren't interested in babies, etc) see me right now. It's bad enough that strangers see just the "pregnant woman" identity, but I squirm thinking that I've truly become less cool because the mama-to-be side of me is so dominant.

Climbing tomorrow should help my psyche a bit, although I think it will probably be my last time on the wall until after baby - my belly is growing and dropping at an alarming rate and it is getting too hard to keep my body far enough away from the wall.

Pregnancy according to The Onion

Heh heh...
Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite

A Summary of Climbing with Baby on Board

Prepregnancy:

• weight: 146
• climbing level: 5-10A to 5-10D, at indoor climbing gym
  
• typically climbing and/or lifting 2-3 times a week
  

First Trimester:

• weight gain at 12 weeks: 3 pounds
• short of breath, frequently had to stop mid-climb to pant
• continued lifting weights in addition to climbing
• continued to boulder occasionally against medical advice

Fourth Month:

• often dizzy/lightheaded when climbing and when not climbing
• still short of breath frequently
• beginning of uterine ligament cramps - stretching abs could initiate these
• climbing up to 5-10C
• stopped lifting
  

Fifth Month:

• no energy, muscles ached more
• went to last kickboxing class
  
• had difficulty climbing above 5-10A (disappointing - had wanted to hit 5-11A before month 6)
• continued ligament cramps
• climbing partner commented I seemed to be stretching and reaching more than prepregnancy
• started using body harness

Sixth Month:

• no more ligament cramps
• muscles failure resolved (red blood cell count back to normal?)
• climbing up to 5-10C with overhangs
• recognized that I started favoring stemming and mantling techniques over brute strength/bicep moves
  
• generally felt great physically and moodwise this month

Seventh Month:

• carpal tunnel symptoms started - wore wrist braces at night which resolved most pain
• started having inconsistent results on overhangs - still climbing up to 5-10C regularly
• began to find climbs where I could not get close enough to the wall because of larger belly
• continued to stem and climb with one hip against the wall more than usual
• shortness of breath returned - needed rests even on short-ish climbs
  

Eighth Month:

• total weight gain: 26 pounds
• pregnant climbing partner stopped climbing; down to climbing sessions once a week
• climbing up to 5-10B
  
• started to feel fearful about certain moves (around corners, some overhangs) and chose not to do them
• shoes often too tight
• abs stopped working in coordination
  

Ninth Month:

• total weight gain: 29 pounds (so far)
• much more focused on stemming/mantling routes
• don't like sensation of belly brushing against wall, more distracted by concern of falling and squashing kiddo
• climbing up to 5-10A, haven't much wanted to try big overhangs because of nervousness about falling and swinging

36 Weeks, 1 Day:

• climbed three 5.8's, and on my first 5.9 of the day, felt a funny twinge in my ribs/abs that didn't go away until about 20 minutes of resting. Decided to stop climbing until post-baby.

Generally:

• Many people at the climbing gym have asked whether I've experienced any changes in balance, but I haven't noticed any particular balance changes when climbing, dancing, or otherwise.
• One of the big concerns about climbing while pregnant is the loosening of the ligaments, which can cause injuries particularly in the shoulders. Was very careful not to hang on my shoulders from early on.
• Did not experience as much muscle soreness as in pre-pregnancy.

Ugh - impatient

I'm remembering past pregnant friends getting to this point where they say they feel huge and ready to be done with pregnancy. I'm not that huge, but the baby is dropping somewhat and I have been retaining fluid and all the lovely things that brings on (puffy ankles and feet, headaches, carpal tunnel pain, and more). I've been monitoring my blood pressure and I'm not concerned about pre-eclampsia, but my husband is, so I'll check in with the midwives tomorrow to set his mind at ease. I prescribed myself a massage and pedicure in the meantime.

I'm at the point where I feel at least a little uncomfortable all the time. Supposedly the baby dropping is supposed to help me feel less short of breath, but I haven't noticed a change. She's started groping my internal organs, which is weird and uncomfortable, though not typically painful. Occasionally she gets her foot stuck somewhere in my rib cage, which is not very much fun at all, but she shakes loose if I get up and start walking around. A few weeks ago it was cute that she would do little kickboxing routines (three punches to the kidneys and a kick to the ribs) but now I am grateful that she has less room to move around and get a good wind-up.

Basically, I'm feeling ready for the baby to arrive. The nursery is ready. I bought diapers and wipes and other supplies today. I'm working on little projects around the house but there's nothing urgent that needs doing - I'm feeling listless. I have an intuition that Little One is going to come early (38 weeks would be perfect - that's in three weeks) but our doula is insisting that we keep in mind most first-time mothers give birth about a week past due date. Six weeks more of this seems much more overwhelming.

I've been trying to practice my hypnobirthing techniques when I wake up in the middle of the night with my hands aching - it's hard to concentrate when I'm half asleep and already in pain - glad that my husband will be guiding me for labor itself.

Thoughts about labor and birth

In reading some books about labor and delivery (specifically, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and The Hypnobirthing Book), I have started to think a lot about how attitudes about childbirth have changed in the last 100 years or so. Lots of statistics back up the idea that childbirth has been sort of usurped by the medical industry, putting forth a belief that most women need lots of medical support and intervention in order to safely deliver a baby (or two).

I'm not so sure I buy that: why would it be that my body and my baby have behaved exactly the way they were supposed to, all through this pregnancy, only to fail at the end? Being a climber, I've learned to trust my muscles - when I train them, they work properly. Why would I assume my uterine muscles wouldn't function as well?

My husband is behind my desire to have a natural childbirth, and the closest hospital happens to be known in our city for providing minimal intervention and midwives instead of doctors as the status quo. In fact, I was told recently that I won't even be scheduled to see an MD unless there's an unexpected complication. The first doctor I will speak to will be the pediatrician who comes to check the baby after she's born.

The interesting thing is the study of pain during labor - as a society we have developed a belief that labor is inherently painful, and I've seen so many comments on message boards from women who are fearful about the pain of labor. Guess what? Fear kicks in your autonomic nervous system, which makes you tense, uterine muscles work against instead of with each other, and it hurts! I was flipping through three books a friend gave me, and saw chapter headings like "Coping with Childbirth". I didn't even bother to read 'em - no wonder so many women get epidurals and end up with C-sections!

Here are some things I've learned recently:

Induction via pitocin accelerates labor contractions to the point where the body cannot naturally produce endorphins to match the intensity of the contractions. This makes them hurt more. In natural labor, which progresses more slowly, endorphin rates increase with the intensity of contractions.

Epidurals limit a woman's ability to use her lower body, which makes pushes less effective and also makes it impossible for a women to use certain labor positions (squatting, for example) which enlarge the pelvis.

Midwives at birthing centers have been able to achieve a 2% C-section rate, compared to the national average of 35%.

Women in other cultures who don't expect labor to be painful typically have shorter labors and uneventful births.

Doctors tend to have more painful labors than non-medical professionals.

Redefinition

I think I may be understanding what it feels like to be a big-breasted woman - when I run into strangers on the street, they don't look me in the eye anymore - their gaze goes right to the belly.

Oh, and to the rude woman who pushed me to cut in front of me in line at the candy store: I'm sorry to see your two grandchildren don't have a better role model for a grandmother, and I'm sure I was more uncomfortable standing in line for ten minutes than you were!

Insomnia

It is 3:30 in the morning, and I have been awake since 1. After 20 years of insomnia and sleep-related mood problems, I know that anxiety about sleep is the biggest obstacle to getting to sleep, but after three days of sub-par sleep, I am beginning to wonder when this disruption will start to take its toll. My therapist will be alarmed to know that my sleep has taken such a nosedive - last time this happened I was practically suicidal within three weeks and ended up on Lunesta and Ambien. Hopefully all the yummy pregnancy hormones will carry me through this time.

On a better note, Babies'R'Us is not as scary as I thought it would be. Got some crib sheets, changing pad, and a few other things to add to the nursery. Started reading a Hypnobirthing book; continuing to feel that labor is not going to be that bad if I'm able to feel prepared and confident that it will go well. Starting to get impatient and tired of being pregnant.

Last Nursery Photo, 8/13

It certainly took longer than I'd hoped, but the nursery is more or less a nursery at this point. Started unloading clothes into the dressers this weekend and sorting through all the loot that's been cluttering up our music room.

My midwife warned me a few months ago that towards the end of my pregnancy, my sleep would start resembling the pattern of sleep with a newborn. I've been sleeping in 1-2 hours shifts, getting 5-6 hours a night, napping once or twice a day, and holding up ok.

Endgame

Between reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and spending 3 hours meeting with our doula last night, we've got the actual birth of our baby on the mind lately. Last two nights I've had dreams about the baby being born - in one, it was a boy instead of the girl we were expecting. Last night, I dreamed that we had twins and my husband and a friend named them without consulting me. In both, my brain skipped over the actual labor part of the experience, straight to the prize at the end.

Despite all my high hopes of finishing the mural yesterday and being able to start putting together furniture and moving the baby stuff into the nursery, I made a painting mistake that will take 2-4 days to undo, and everything else is on hold. A big bummer.

In general, things continue to go well and I don't feel very slowed down. I have had to start power napping after every climbing session, but otherwise my body has been working correctly. We finally bought a new car, one with backseats, which was a project I was getting a little worried about. Once it arrives I will start messing with how to put the infant car seat in - from what I understand, that process is complicated enough that it may merit a blog entry all itself.

Nursery, 8/6

Mural almost done. Looking forward to furniture-putting-together day!

Nursery, 7/30

Spinning the baby

I saw my favorite midwife last week, and she assured me that it is *way* too early to freak about about fetal position. The idea has been manifesting itself in the form of "if only I started sitting the right way months ago I'd know for sure that baby won't be breech, or if she is, it won't be my fault." She said I'd been getting bad information, that we won't start even worrying about it until week 35 or 36, and that there'd be plenty of time to intervene if it turns out then that the baby hasn't flipped.

She explained that a growth spurt in the next few weeks will make the baby's head bigger and heavier, which will allow gravity to make head-down a more natural position for her. She also felt around and confirmed that the baby was head-down when I was at my appointment, and had me feel for myself. The baby's head felt like a lemon.

Been having fun painting the baby's room, looking forward to finishing the job so I can continue putting together furniture. Re: $80 IKEA crib, you get what you pay for - I had to sand and/or re-drill about half the pieces to get it to fit together right, but it's done and sturdy and fine.

Nursery, 7/24

Week 30: viable, still feeling normal

Little one and I are doing well, though I am definitely experiencing more aches and pains than I was a month ago. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome reared its ugly head last week, and was particularly excruciating when I was camping in high altitude (7000 feet). I got some wrist braces to wear at night, and the problem has almost completely gone away. Rib pain is still there but I'm used to it, or maybe ignoring it - it's not slowing me down so much. Shortness of breath has gone away except camping at 7000 feet, and walking up the steep hills around my neighborhood.

My husband and I attended an excellent hypnobirthing class this weekend, which did a lot to normalize the process of labor and childbirth, as well as teach some particular relaxation techniques (breathing, massage, and guided visualization). My husband was nervous about the workshop beforehand; I think he had a stereotypical vision of hypnosis in his head, and imagined himself dangling a pocketwatch in front of my face and trying to put me in a stupor of some kind. He was pleasantly surprised.

The only negative thing about the workshop was that it got me worried all over again about fetal position - my midwives say they don't even start thinking about fetal position until week 32 or so, but my one fear about what could go wrong is that this baby won't get the message that she is supposed to end up head-down, spine forward. Am trying to focus on things I can do to help without dwelling on guilt about things I haven't done so far. Leaning forward, or even just vertical, is really painful on my shoulders and back. May look up my old chiropractor.

Have made very good progress cleaning out the baby room, hoping to prime and paint tomorrow. Getting tired of hauling boxes around, but glad to be forced to purge old files, letters, etc. Still feel physically normal most of the time, forget I'm pregnant. Climbing, I've had to cut out overhangs (muscles haven't kept up with weight gain) and I get tired faster, but my body is basically continuing to do everything it's supposed to do.

Nursery, 7/16

OK, I cheated a bit and took this photo Monday evening, since I knew I'd be selling the desk later in the day. But, progress, eh? Hope to paint later this week.

Experiencing from the outside

I've been thinking this week, as I've been feeling more kicks and rolls in my belly, about the fact that my husband doesn't get the same sort of experience I get. He's felt a few kicks, but he doesn't have the same sense of intimacy I have with the pregnancy. I know when baby is awake, when she's moving around, that she wakes up after food and that she seems to really like cake. Someone asked me recently whether I think the baby feels sad when I am watching a sad movie. It's trippy to think about - finally I have arrived at that point of feeling the symbiosis of having another little being sharing all my experiences (and cake).

I was at a party this weekend where I learned that some friends, a male same-sex couple, were going to have a baby via an egg donor and a surrogate mother. I was thinking about how strange that must be, to create a baby and experience the pregnancy totally remotely. They will be in touch with the surrogate mom (who lives halfway across the country) all along, but they, like my husband, will be experiencing the pregnancy from a distance. It made me want to share everything I could with them about what I was going through, some effort to give them what they may be missing once their own pregnancy is rolling along. And with babies only nine months apart, certainly I want to stay in touch so we can trade off on babysitting!

Aches and Pains

A few years ago, I was trying to tackle a sleep problem with my doctor. She asked if I could possibly have restless legs syndrome. "Not a chance," I said. "My cat sleeps on my feet - there's no way she'd stay there if I kept disrupting her." The doctor frowned. "Hmm," she said, "I can't write 'patient has no symptoms of RLS per patient's cat' in your chart."

I should have known something was up when the cat started sleeping on my husband's side of the bed. Almost like clockwork, I hit third trimester and started unraveling a bit. I have a rib being pulled out of place which makes it hurt to take a deep breath after about 2 in the afternoon. My solution, until a few days ago, was to lie down more, but now I have restless legs syndrome, which could be caused by lack of circulation. (It means that my feet get a prickly numb feeling a minute or two after I get settled in one position in bed, so I end up rolling around every minute or two and not getting any sleep.)

So far, I've been getting about five hours of sleep a night instead of eight, and I've gotten downright surly at times. Midwife recommended Tylenol for the rib pain, and I'm going to try the treadmill in the evening to see if that helps me settle down for the night.

Nursery, 7/9

Sold the computer yesterday. Getting there slowly but surely. Haven't tackled all the crafts supplies yet - the next big hurdle. And still haven't decided what color to paint the room, once it's empty..

The Crib Fiasco

Last month sometime, I saw a crib (Diktad) at IKEA, and, after consulting Baby Bargains to ease my guilt about getting an inexpensive crib, I borrowed my mother-in-law's station wagon and returned to IKEA to buy it. Husband helped me bring it in, and we left it in the box since there is no room to set it up yet. My one concern about the crib is that the floor model in the store had the mattress set to a very low setting, and I couldn't tell from pre-drilled holes whether there was a middle setting to make it easier on our backs, hauling baby in and out.

Less than three weeks later I was at IKEA again, and they had a new crib (Leksvik) that I liked better, and that was set up with the mattress level in the middle rather than at the bottom. Since I had to borrow a big car to get a dresser anyway, I decided to return the crib I got and get the new model.

Three days later, my husband and I were there, with borrowed station wagon, and returned the Diktad crib. We went upstairs to get the new crib, and it was gone! The saleswoman I spoke with told me that they sold out completely a few days ago, and they wouldn't be restocking until NOVEMBER. The two other IKEA locations, each a few hours away, were sold out.

So, with visions of my infant daughter sleeping in a cardboard box for the first two months of her life, I went back to returns to track down the crib I had just returned. I found out where it was located, and told my husband (who agreed to do the heavy lifting). I waited at the car.

Turns out, when he got there, he got help loading the crib from a guy who had mentioned that the crib was about to be moved to the "as-is" department, since it was the only crib of that model in the store. Smart hubby mentioned this to the cashier, and managed to swing a deal where we bought back the crib we had just returned, for 50% off. I will remember this as an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" lesson, although getting $80 back for our troubles wasn't a bad deal.

Nursery, 7/2

Doesn't look like much of a change - I have been away most of the week - but there was a filing cabinet in the corner that has been moved out, and the printer has found its new home in the back bedroom...

"Nursery", 6/25

In an effort to motivate me to get my office packed transformed into a nursery, I decided I would take photos of the room every Monday at noon to document my progress (or lack thereof).

Permission To Be Panic-Free

I just saw an awesome midwife at the new midwife clinic, and told her about spinningbabies.com, the one source of anxiety for me in the last few months. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!" she said. So I have been sanctioned to ignore it, and I will continue to enjoy my time slumping on soft couches.

Almost 2/3 of the way... Missing the Old Me Part II

A few different people who are slightly ahead of me, pregnancy-wise, have commented that thing seemed to get more difficult very suddenly at the beginning of third trimester. I have been traveling last week, and my new uncomfortable symptoms developing during that time are shortness of breath, and muscle soreness across my ribs. When I get a good night's sleep, I start feeling limited by it in early afternoon. It has sapped my energy quite a bit.

I was checking in with my husband and our therapist about mood lately, saying that while I was away I was feeling sort of unsettled and empty, but it was a very fleeting feeling. Therapist commented that it sounded more like anxiety, and started asking what I was anxious about. Really nothing, though - not nervous about the baby coming, not nervous about what remained to do to get ready, a little bummed missing my old body, my old clothes, my old energy, but nothing outstanding. Therapist then reminded me that shortness of breath *causes* anxiety. Of course!

Avoid the Spinning Babies website if you are the anxious type. I found it overwhelming and contrary to my panic-free pregnancy lifestyle... I have decided to go against my doula's advice and ignore it completely, spending most evenings lounging on the couch trying to breath. We'll see if I regret this during the extra twelve hours of labor she promised me if I don't sit up straight.

The Goodmester

My friend calls the second trimester the "goodmester" and honestly, I can't complain. I've felt so normal most of the time that I forget I'm pregnant, until I walk past a mirror or feel the baby kick. I think I'm finally at peace with the new morphed body, which is a good thing because there ain't no hiding the fact that I am carrying a stowaway on board - I can dress incognito if I choose, but with the weather finally getting warm it's been more fun to wear all the cute little maternity tank tops that I got last month.

Ok, the lowdown on maternitywear:

Old Navy - good cheap basic stuff. Their jeans are hip. Their maternity selection is varied, so go to more than one store if you have the option

Gap - I only went to one location which apparently wasn't the "good" location in our area, but the clothes didn't really do it for me and they were much more expensive

Motherhood - what an experience, to go into a store and be able to try on anything you see! Something I used to take for granted. I scored big in their clearance rack, got some stuff that was a little fancier, "go out to dinner" kind of clothes. Also they have swimsuits.

Babystyle.com - they also have a good clearance selection, which is especially helpful if you are looking for stuff that is off-season (ie has long sleeves and is warm)

I found I have to take it slow with maternity clothes shopping - seeing my thick body from all angles was a little overwhelming and twice I left with lots of cute clothes but feeling like a fat cow. So I guess I'm not quite at peace with the new figure, after all.

Physical activity is still the best cure for this funk, for me. After a slight dip in month five, I am climbing at my pre-pregnancy levels and I went swing dancing last night for the first time since I started showing. Loads of fun!

(Months four and five, my blood pressure was low as my body was trying to make enough blood to fill up the new dilated circulatory system. Also lost some muscle during this time. Blood pressure is back to normal and the muscle I still have seems to be working right, although blood still has a lower concentration of red blood cells than normal, so oxygenation of the muscles is still not what it will be later!)

Cannot fail to cheer

My mom sent me these:

One giggling baby

Four giggling babies

A Question of Timing

I had a funny experience shopping for maternity clothes at Target last week. There was another woman there, whose bump was a little bigger than mine, and we got to talking. She asked how pregnant I was, and I, at 21 weeks, said I was just six months (that's what the book said, six months starts at 21 weeks). She was at 23 weeks herself, and she said "oh, you're not at six months, then, only five."

A little crushed, I went on my way, and last week asked the midwife about it. "At 22 weeks," I asked, "am I now officially six months pregnant or not?" "It depends," she said. "Do you want to be pregnant for nine months or ten?"

So this counting the weeks before you're actually pregnant (three weeks, in my case) does screw things up the counting. From now on, I'm going to stop paying attention to the books and use what's most logical for non-pregnant people: I got pregnant in the first week of January, and I'm due the last week of September. June = six months, May = five months. Easy peasy.

Flying with stowaway on board

I recently decided to take advantage of a perk at my husband's company and go to the Bahamas with him in July, when I am at 30 weeks. I am not concerned about it, though I was advised by my friend the family doc to investigate the nearest hospital with American-trained doctors when I get there.

Just happened to stumble across this article today...

Halfway

Twenty weeks, halfway mark. I finally figured out how this 40 weeks = 9 months crap operates - the ninth month has seven weeks in it! What a sneaky trick.

So, things have been rolling along just fine, in general. I got maternity jeans and clothes (have reaffirmed my love for Old Navy) so now I can wear "pregnanty" clothes or wear baggy clothes over jeans and continue to pass for a little while longer. It was a bit of a shock to wear fitted jeans and remember what my legs actually look like, after so many weeks of wearing huge jeans.

We finally decided what to do about the fact that my midwife practice is closing two months before my due date; we're going to stay at the same hospital but switch to the hospital midwife clinic, which means a larger group of midwives to work with and less time and personalized care, but still the same probability that I will be working with a midwife when I show up at the hospital in labor. Have also found a birth doula that we really like, and we are in the middle of interviewing/intake process with her.

My appetite seems to be going away again - that is, I can barely eat half a meal at a time and from afternoon onward I feel overfull and sickish. Had a huge mood meltdown at the end of the day today, may have been partly due to low blood sugar. Will discuss at prenatal appointment next week. My sleep has been much more haphazard too (I'm writing this at 4:30 AM), more like how I was sleeping before I got pregnant.

One of the themes of my little meltdown was loss of control - I think what finally tipped me over the edge was hearing bits of plans about a baby shower some friends are planning, and getting anxious about being expected to do something uncomfortable ("well, we may make you eat baby food"). Gotta trust - I have cool friends who care about us and throwing us a shower is a sweet thing to do. Besides, if I survived hazing when I joined my co-ed frat in college, I'm sure I can handle a little Gerber Stage One.

Preliminary Results

I have only scanned a few chapters of The Panic-Free Pregnancy, but so far I'm very glad it came along. The research scientist in me would have liked to have more citations of the studies the author uses but those may be listed in the back, haven't checked yet.

The author does a nice job of addressing two separate facets of the can-I-eat-this? concern: whether pregnant women are at any higher risk than other people (usually not), and whether the consequences are harmful to baby or any more harmful to women when they're pregnant. The verdict on sushi: mercury is still an issue, so watch what kind of fish you eat and avoid the highest mercury-content fish, but parasites and even E. Coli infections do not pass the placenta and cannot be given to baby.

So far I've read the chapters on food, drugs and alcohol, and most of the chapter on exercise, and I decided to make some changes for the rest of my pregnancy based on what I read. (Keep in mind these are my informed choices, reflecting the level of risk I am comfortable with, I'm not a doctor, YMMV, disclaimer disclaimer etc etc.) I decided:

* sushi once or twice a month is fine (limited because of mercury content). Still avoiding the worst offenders in terms of mercury (swordfish, king mackerel, tile fish, shark), but I never used to eat those types of fish anyway. Also no lox.

* a cocktail or a glass of wine when we go out to dinner (2-3 times/week) is fine.

* no more feta, soft cheeses (brie) or blue cheeses (because of risk of listeria) until I can find more information about whether pasteurization takes care of the bacteria.

* no more peanuts (this is a new one for me) - apparently pregnant women who eat a lot of peanuts have a significantly higher risk of having a baby with a peanut allergy.

So, we went out last night for sushi and a cocktail. We sat at the counter, and the sushi chef was a little disturbed to find out that I was pregnant and eating his sushi with such wild abandon. (I don't know if he even noticed the cocktail...)

An interesting thing about this book is that I noticed when I ordered it that reviews on Amazon were very polarized - most reviews were from pregnant women raving about how this book brings a voice of sanity to the warnings and advice pregnant women get, and a few reviewers lambasted the book for irresponsibly telling pregnant women what they want to hear in order to make money. It may be that I'm just "hearing what I want to hear" and losing my sense of objectivity (and who can blame me when spicy tuna hand rolls hang in the balance?) but I found it interesting that, of the changes I decided to make after skimming this book, half of them are choices to limit what I am eating more than I was already - certainly this book is not a blanket reassurance to go ahead and do whatever you want when pregnant!

Baby Names II - Celebrities

Last night my husband and I watched a VH1 show about celebrity baby names. We didn't get any new ideas, but we had fun talking about names we would give our kids if we were celebrities (Diesel, Scooter, and Zoom).

A brief quiz (no fair using the Internet!):

1) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Alchamy
b) Audio Science
c) Pilot Inspektor
d) Sintax Erra

2) Which of the following is *not* the name of a son of Rob Rodriguez?
a) Racer
b) Razor
c) Rebel
d) Rocket
e) Rogue

3) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Poppy Honey
b) Sweet Cherry Baby
c) True Isabella Summer

4) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Cooper Alan
b) Hopper Jack
c) Piper Maru
d) Sailor Lee

5) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Boston
b) Brooklyn
c) Ireland
d) London
e) Milan

6) Which of the following *is* a celebrity baby name?
a) Five
b) Seven
c) Ten

7) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Apple
b) Kiwi
c) Peaches

8) Which of the following is *not* a celebrity baby name?
a) Fifi-Trixibelle
b) Hannabella Bea
c) Saffron Sahara
d) Tallulah Belle
e) Tallulah Pine

9) Which of the following *is* a celebrity baby name?
a) Kyd
b) Normal
c) Proxy

Answers:
1) D
2) B
3) B
4) A
5) E
6) B
7) B
8) B
9) A

It's a girl!!

My two weeks of being inundated with doctor's appointments is over, culminating in an ultrasound that determined that a) all is well with heart valves and other important parts and b) we are having a girl! At least, the ultrasound tech and the radiologist both said so, but honestly all the ultrasound pictures looked like unidentifiable blobs to me. Except the hands.

Though we are grateful to be temporarily saved from the circumcision discussion, my husband and I have had to start discussing baby names again. The trick is finding something that is new and hip without being too obscure or popular. Our top choices:

Avery (#66)
Casey (#404 - seemed to hit its peak in 1992)
Quinn (#676)
Skyler (#315) / Skylar (#154)
Yvie (not listed - we made it up because my grandmother's name, Yvonne, was too old-fashioned for my husband's taste)

The numbers after each name represent the popularity ranking for this name for girls in 2005. The government maintains a very handy website of name popularity based on social security applications for newborns.

I am hesitant about giving my child a name that is too popular, but then, thinking to my own experience, my name was about as popular in 1972 as Avery is now, and my sister's name is extremely popular and she has not seemed to suffer ill effects or much inconvenience. Hmm, how much of this is about my own investment in being cool and hip and not a sheep, and how much of this is about picking a name that we (and our kid) can live with for her entire life?

For a more in-depth discussion of trends in baby-naming, I recommend Freakonomics. There is an extensive analysis of baby names given to California babies for the last 40 years, with some interesting results about demographic trends and the tendency for boy names to become girl names over time.

Also another useful, and visually fascinating, site that tracks baby name popularity.

good news, bad news, good news x2

Today four things relating to my pregnancy happened:
1) A friend told me about a book called "The Panic-Free Pregnancy", which looks like it will have scientific info about what pregnant women are/are not supposed to do/eat. I ordered it on Amazon, will report back once it arrives and I have read it. It may help keep my husband from getting concerned every time I have bleu cheese on my salad. (good)

2) I got an email from my midwife group stating that they are dissolving their hospital affiliation and will be closing for a time starting July 31. I am due September 27. This means that I have to find another hospital-based midwife practice and convince them to let me in. This will be the third midwife practice I've been in so far this pregnancy. (bad)

3) Climbed in my new body harness today. Works really well, except rides up in the crotch. May switch to boxers for climbing. (good)

4) Got a call from the genetic counselor with the results of my integrated screening, and learned that baby's risk for Down syndrome and trisomy-18 disorders are both 1/10,000 (the lowest the test could register) and risk for spina bifida is 1/5800. All very low risk, all indicating that there's no need to do an amnio or CVS for further diagnosis. (very good)

Spinach Soup Recipe

Here is a fabulous recipe for pregnant women or anyone who has trouble getting enough iron:
(with gratitude to Farmgirl Susan who invented it).

Original Reference

Farmgirl Susan's Super Spinach Soup
Makes about 7 or 8 cups
(I forgot to measure before I started inhaling it)

1/4 cup nice olive oil
1 pound yellow or white onions, chopped
6 cups (48 ounces) homemade chicken stock (or high quality storebought)
1/4 cup uncooked white rice
12 ounces fresh organic baby spinach (about 8 cups packed)
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon good pepper

1. Heat olive oil in a large pot and cook onions, stirring frequently, over medium heat until translucent and just starting to turn golden at the edges, about 7 to 10 minutes.

2. Add chicken stock, bring to a boil, add rice, turn down heat, and simmer, with the lid cracked, stirring every so often, for 20 minutes.

3. Stir in spinach, salt, and pepper and simmer another 5 to 7 minutes. Carefully puree the soup using a blender or immersion hand blender. (You know I can't say enough about my KitchenAid Immersion Hand Blender. Probably the best $50 I've spent in the kitchen in years.)

4. Serve hot, garnished if desired (but it really doesn't need it) with dollops of sour cream or creme fraiche and a few chive blossoms if you happen to have any laying around.

Showing?

Mostly I've been wearing aforementioned huge jeans and mens T-shirts with sweat shirts lately. This past weekend we were headed to a memorial service, so I had to dress a little less sloppy, and did a double-take when I passed the mirror on the way to the shower. My breasts are huge! And when I pulled on my not-as-sloppy shirt - my belly shape really looks like a pregnant person's now, and it no longer just looks like I'm getting chunky.

I stopped being freaked out about gaining too much weight - I realized that I haven't gained any noticeable weight in my face, my arms and legs, or my back. I'm still lean (well, as lean as I was in December) in all the non-baby places. I don't trust my scale completely, but according to the one at the gym I've still only gained five pounds since I found out I had a stowaway on board (when I was 146 lbs, on the non-trustworthy home scale).

My climbing has been improving lately, in part due to the motivation of having a new climbing partner who is at my level or a little above. My goal is to send a 5.11 before I get to the third trimester, and he figures I can make it. My new climbing harness arrived in the mail Saturday - will take a little getting used to, but it will do the trick.

On a whim I went back to the cardio kickboxing class where I used to be a regular. Starting in second trimester, I'm not supposed to do any exercise lying on my back (compresses certain arteries and spikes my blood pressure, puts too much strain on baby's blood supply), which meant I had a limited choice of ab exercises to substitute. Also, I can lie on my stomach in bed, but not on the floor do to back extensions. Will have to experiment with a ball to see if that helps. In general, though, it didn't feel like the class was any harder than it would have been after any normal eight-month absence. Jumping rope felt weird, with my big ole' belly jiggling up and down.

I have a big week of appointments next week, with a prenatal on Wednesday and a "medical anatomy ultrasound" on Thursday (checking for all the important body parts, like heart valves, and also trying to determine baby's gender!) In preparation for the prenatal, I have to write down everything I eat in the next four days. I ate a really healthy breakfast and felt very wholesome until lunch, when I had a healthy bowl of soup and... a mini French bread pizza.

Symptoms-of-the-week

The current symptom-of-the-week is ligament cramps: my uterus is big enough to cause my ligaments to stretch but not yet big enough to rest on my pelvic bone, which means that when I go from sitting to standing or forget to walk around every hour or so, I get shooting cramps that cause me to double over.

Last week's symptom-of-the-week was lightheadedness when I stood up too fast. This is because my circulatory system is dilating and I haven't made enough extra blood yet to fill it up. My blood pressure is way lower than usual too (108/65 vs. 125/75). I've been checking it every few mornings - I've become my own favorite science experiment.

I am pondering why I haven't felt the need to post here as regularly lately. Perhaps it's partly because everyone knows I'm pregnant now, so I have more RL people to talk to about it. Perhaps it's because I'm experiencing fewer reminders as I go through my day (big jeans not withstanding). I don't think I truly realized how crappy I felt in first trimester, figuring I had pretty light symptoms since I wasn't throwing up or feeling that nauseous. But about 2-3 weeks ago, I suddenly felt loads better and the contrast was striking. In short, weeks 5-8 (the first month I knew I was pregnant) I had a lot of trouble maintaining constant blood sugar, which made me moody and tired and subject to very sudden hunger pangs. In weeks 8-12, I lost my appetite, had an aversion to meat, and had pain that felt like indigestion most of the time. (Someone who hasn't seen me in six weeks commented that my face looked thinner - I'm guessing I lost mother weight and gained more baby weight than I realized.) Nice that things are evened out a bit.

Large vs. Fat

I have officially gotten too big to fit into all my pre-pregnancy "fat pants", which was a difficult realization to have first thing in the morning. I wore a pair of jeans that were huge on me a month ago, but that the crazy lady at the jeans store convinced me to buy anyway. So this is officially the largest I have ever been. The strange thing is I've only gained three pounds. I have no idea how this is possible, but there it is.

Husband was supportive but busy at work when I called him in tears, and, to my surprise, the best empathy I found in my day was from a 16 year old client who in recovery from anorexia. He confided in me that he had gained 19 pounds in the last three months, and that the last five pounds were the hardest. Aside from my friends who have already been pregnant, he is probably the best person in my world to understand how it feels to be getting positive feedback about gaining weight and having that be at odds with self-image.

What helped tremendously is that I had a super climbing day today. I got stuck on a really perplexing part of a 5.10B climb and managed to figure it out, with a little help from the cute guy at the front desk. I asked about ordering a body harness for climbing when I get a little bigger, and the woman working the counter was really excited that I planned to climb through my pregnancy. Also my belay partner commented that my endurance seemed better today than in past weeks. I left the gym feeling like superwoman and caring a lot less about the new big jeans.

Bits and Tips

Tidbits of useful info I've picked up in the last week or so:

1) Always go to the doctor's with a full bladder - seems like everyone wants a urine sample. Also necessary for some ultrasounds.

2) Many sushi restaurants will make chicken rolls for you if you request them. My local Safeway makes chicken rolls as a standard variety, and the little sushi lady was delighted to come out from behind the counter and point out everything that didn't have raw fish when I told her I was pregnant.

3) In contrast, waiters in steakhouses typically are not happy to take orders for alcohol-free cocktails.

4) The most common follow-up question, when you tell people you're pregnant, is "are you going to find out whether it's a boy or a girl?"